Monday, December 31, 2007

Could it be a Christmas miracle?

I went in for my second beta today. RE's like to see your beta number double every 48-72 hours in order for the pregnancy to be considered healthy and viable.

Well, mine almost a little less than 48 hours. It's up to 56. Our reaction? Laughter. Honestly, what else could we possibly do when we get news like that?

We are being VERY cautiously all know what we've been through, especially since we are fully aware that this can easily take a nasty turn. But for now, I am pregnant, AGAIN, and we are happy as can be.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been praying and pulling for us...please seems like it's working :)

Now I'm off to take a nap...Dad was back in the hospital again last night (he's out now, but he really has me worried) and I am in desperate need of some zzzzz's.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Another cruel joke on me

First beta = 21.

For those of you unaware of what that means, let me put it to you this way...I AM pregnant, but the chance of this working out is less than slim to none.

WHY couldn't it just be a negative number (less than 5) so they could tell me to go off the meds so I could get my period? WHY must I be tortured like this?

I'm out of tears. Seriously, I think I used them all up between yesterday and today. I'd be shocked if I had more in me. My eyes and face are beyond swollen.

So now, instead of getting loaded like I was hoping I'd be able to do this weekend, I have to continue my drugs, and go in for the second beta on Monday.

The evil 2007 gods are really stretching this out until the LAST POSSIBLE DAY. What a way to ring in the new year, huh...

Friday, December 28, 2007

Well, I can now say that

2007 has officially been the worst year of my life.

Frank and I took a few days and went down to easy escape from reality, and sadly, the closest thing we've had to a vacation in a WHILE, thanks to all this IF crap. We had a nice time, and just got back a little while ago. Frank really wanted me to test since I was upset about getting a negative result on Wednesday (he of course felt it was early, the positive thinker that he is)...

So, I tested again. BFN. No denying those two words staring you in the face on a digital HPT.

And now, I have to start heating up the oil for my shot, and we still have to get up early in the morning and drive to Morristown for our beta, so that we can get the official word from the RE. Yeah, that all seems pretty fair.

Merry fucking Christmas and Happy New Year to us.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Pregnant until proven otherwise

This is one of our favorite statements (by 'our' I mean the girls in my 'support group'...who have become wonderful friends)...and it's true. I mean, they did transfer 3 embryos directly into my uterus two days ago, right? That certainly doesn't make me NOT pregnant. At least not yet...

The progesterone most definitely makes you FEEL pregnant, that's for sure. This is my 3rd IVF cycle and once again I've got the typical side effects...the awful night sweats, peeing 3+ times in the middle of the night, the sore boobs, the awful heartburn and acid reflux...we were at my Nana's today and I was waiting to see which came first...a fainting spell or a big bunch of puke all over my shoes.

Combine that with the 'no smoking, drinking, caffeine, sex and heavy lifting' and I'd say, once again...pregnant...until proven otherwise.

Yeah, I's good practice. Well quite honestly, I've had enough practice. I'll throw up 5 times a day if it means I'll finally have a successful and healthy pregnancy. Bring it on.

Oh and for those of you thinking, you just had your transfer two days ago...isn't that too soon to have any symptoms? Well, as I said, these are mainly from the progesterone (the high dose of estrogen probably adds to it too)...but to clarify, today I am 2dp7dt (for the infertility ignorant, that means, 2 days past 7 day transfer...our embryos were 7 days old when they were frozen).

That makes 9 dpo. (days past ovulation) Last time I tested at 12dpo and got a BFP. Which means, I could test on Christmas Day. Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm putting my positive thinking out there for everyone to see. Pregnant until proven otherwise. That's me...for now.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

FET #2 is complete.

Well, we're home...after a hectic and exciting morning! When my phone rang a little before 9am and I saw my RE's number on the caller ID I thought, OH NO, this is NOT good news. They usually don't call until after 11 (transfers are usually done in the afternoon) I thought they were going to say that the frozen embryos didn't survive the thaw...

Sure enough, it was a call FULL of good news. They wanted me to start drinking my water at 10, be there by 10:30 and ready for an 11am transfer. AND THEN the nurse tells me that my primary doctor, who we absolutely LOVE, decided to make a special trip into the office just to do OUR transfer. We were so thrilled.

Now for the best news...ALL 3 EMBRYOS THAWED!!! That's 7 out of 7 that survived the thaw for us...WELL ABOVE the odds. We were SO happy and relieved...and my doctor gave us the picture and said they all look TERRIFIC...exactly the way they should look. Hopefully now they're all looking for a warm place to settle in :)

The transfer was a smooth one...the dr. felt it went very now, we sit and WAIT. We both feel really good about this...we are really hoping the third time's a charm.

So now I am on my couch and will not be moving for a WHILE. Feel free to come and visit...I could use the company :) And no matter where you to these little ones about STICKING AROUND...all of your thoughts and prayers have worked so far and we really, really appreciate it.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Stressed out much?

On Sunday, Frank was cleaning off and warming up my car, then he hopped in his truck to go to Shoprite. He called me while he was out to see what I wanted for lunch, and I asked him where my car key was...he said it was in his truck.

Yesterday I went looking for my key and couldn't find it. I used my spare one and when I called him asking about the key, he said, 'oh, I put it in the nook (it's an area in our hallway where the keys go)...or maybe it's still in my truck. I don't know, I'll check later'. I had checked the nook and it wasn't there...

So, he gets home last night and looks in his truck. No key. He checks his
jacket he was wearing on Sunday...still no key. He starts ripping the
house apart, and now he's getting annoyed. Meanwhile, I'm mad because I'm thinking he dropped the key at irresponsible can he much is the key going to cost to replace (they're expensive!), etc, etc...

We go to bed not exactly happy with each other. LOL.

He always leaves before me in the today, as I was starting to pull out of the driveway, I realize I left my laptop inside. As I head toward the house I fall...HARD...on the ice. I determine that I'm still in one piece and start getting up...look down the driveway...and low and behold, I see my key. Right there, on the driveway (it must have been under my car). I couldn't help but chuckle, just a little bit...and then proceeded to drag my sore body back into the house for my laptop.

So I called him on the way into work and we both got a good laugh out of it, even though i'm in MAJOR pain. Everything from my head to my fingers to my ass to my leg to my foot (all on my left side) is KILLING me.

At least it didn't happen AFTER I got impregnated this week.

A friend of mine, who coincidentally got engaged on the same exact day as us 3 years ago, wished me a 'Happy Engagement Anniversary' this morning. I then was yesterday. Yeah, I know, it's not a big deal...but Frank and I have only been together for slightly longer than that, and NEVER forget landmark dates in our relationship.

I guess my point is, the stress has really gotten to us...I mean, who goes to bed angry with each other over a missing car key? We shouldn't be going to bed angry about ANYTHING.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...WE NEED A VACATION. And, we need for it to be 2008. That, or 2007 has to end on a GREAT note.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sleeping (and dreaming) like a baby...

Wow. I'm like a new person today. Last night was the best sleep I've had in a LONG time. I think part of it might be because my headaches have decreased a good amount...or maybe it's because there's now a light at the end of the tunnel with this cycle...I'm not sure. No matter what the reason, I'll take it!

It's just a matter of time though before I'm up twice a night to pee, thanks to the PIO shots, which I started on Saturday. (yeah, if you read my blog, you're gonna get all the dirty details. LOL.) My boobs have already started getting a little sore, which is another side effect. Well, at least I know the drugs are working...and FAST!

So, onto my fantastic dream last night...we were hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother and sister-in-law, and Grandma...who was booking a cruise for us...for September. She was sure we'd all want the all-you-can-drink option, but she wanted to double check. She was so excited about it and of course, thrilled to make her grandchildren happy.

There's a lot of meaning behind this dream...I'm not sure what all of it is, but we'd frequently travel with our grandparents as kids and adults, to many different places, domestic and kids, spend summers with them at their bungalow in Seaside Park (and Grandma was always 'generous' with the occasional whiskey sour or other libation for us)...there are SO many memories from so many different places. A lot of our conversation in the dream was right along the lines of what we'd plan in real life.

This is the first dream I've had about her since she died, almost 10 months ago. It's nice to know she's still with us :) Her voice is still perfectly recalled in my head...whether it's while I'm thinking of her during the day (which I do a LOT) or dreaming of her at night.

I'm wondering why she'd want to book the cruise for September though...since, if this cycle works, my EDD will be September 4th. Hmmm. Come on Grandma...give me another sign!

Friday, December 14, 2007

We are ON!

My FET has been scheduled for Thursday the 20th. Providing all goes well between now and then, I will be impregnated in less than a week! We're almost there...

Of course that means the dreaded PIO shots start again...tomorrow, to be exact...good times. My butt's still sore from them during my last cycle. Sigh. No more belly shots though...tonight was my last one. Hopefully my last one FOREVER.

I think this means my beta will be on New Year's that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm guessing it'll either be a LOT of champagne that night, or passing out infront of the TV at around 10.

No matter what, I couldn't be happier that this cycle is ALMOST OVER. Thanks for hanging in there with me every step of the way...just hang in there for 5 more days, please :)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

T minus one week and counting...

We're closing in on this FET cycle. My new slogan = 3rd time is a charm!

As long as all goes well with the rest of my monitoring, we should be in for transfer a week from today or tomorrow. We had a bit of a scare this week with my levels and my uterine lining, but things seem to be okay and hopefully the drugs (and slight change in protocol) will continue to do their job.

I still feel like crap and my head continues to pound like a drum...add to that my newfound dizzy spells (likely from the increase in estrace) and I'm a joy right about now. I think it's so great that people are asking how I'm feeling, but quite honestly, I'm sick of saying, "shitty, thanks!". LOL.

Well, I'm not going to lie! Plus if you actually SAW me, you'd have the answer to your question. I'm a lovely sight right about's fun looking in the mirror these days.

How Frank hasn't moved out of the house by now is beyond me.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Parents are really is unfair.

Did your parents and grandparents like to say that a lot too? "Missy, no one ever said life was fair". You just never really understood it as a kid...probably because as a kid, you rarely have REAL problems.

More and more, throughout my adult life, I agree with this statement. I'm not just talking about what's going on with me...there are many people in my life right now who are going through so much pain.

REAL PAIN. Not the crap that makes some people CONSTANTLY complain (you know these people)...because they locked themselves out of the house...or because they're having a bad hair day...or because they're annoyed that their coworker eats a stinky lunch at his desk. The story changes every's always something.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE. I have no tolerance for these idiots (again, you know these people...everyone does).

I'm tired of bad things happening to good people. I really am.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

A friend in need

Some of you know my friend Megan...or, you may not know her but are familiar with her story...well, yesterday it took a pretty bad turn. Here is the link to her blog, if you'd like to read about it (and her entire story, if you don't know it):

Multiple Baby Pileup

I have met Jack, Katie and Charlotte...not only are they absolutely adorable, but they are fighters, through and through. Just like their parents.

Megan and I have known each other since we were engaged and got married on the same day. We both thought it was funny that not only are we the same age, but our husbands are too (several years younger than we are). Our biggest problems in life went from choosing bridesmaid dresses and first dance songs, to realizing that we couldn't get pregnant on our own.

Fortunately, Megan's first IVF cycle worked...and after a relatively easy, unremarkable pregnancy, she and PJ now have much more serious issues to deal with.

If there is any way you'd like to help, please let me know. I am accepting donations for food, diapers, detergent, and other things that I know Megan and her family need, during this very trying and hectic time.

Also, if you'd like to make a donation via Paypal, please do so to Lisa at ...let her know your name and that you were directed to her from my blog. EVERY LITTLE BIT makes a difference...thousands of dollars and many items have already been donated.

Most importantly, please keep this family in your prayers. Megan has told me MANY times that praying for them is really what matters most...they can use all the help from above that they can get.

Friday, December 7, 2007

I think my body is sending me a message...

...and it's pretty straight forward.


My headaches are worse than ever. My belly is bruising, which has never happened before. I'm exhausted. I look AWFUL. My face looks like a road map. My arm veins are hard...too hard to draw blood from. My emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I could go on and on...overall I feel like absolute CRAP and I'm tired of it, quite frankly.

If it weren't cooperating, I'd be much more concerned...but I just came back from another ultrasound and everything is "progressing quite nicely". Bloodwork results come later today. If they're ok, my estrace will be increased and if I remember correctly, the lupron will stop? I don't know, maybe it's too soon for that.

This is the first cycle that I don't have the calendar they give you on my fridge. I guess that's why I'm a little confused about what drugs start and stop when, but they always call to remind you anyway. I honestly think I'm just in denial about this cycle working...I have been from the beginning. I'm viewing it as a "filler"...something to do before we move to the new PGD testing in Jan/Feb.

Frank, on the other hand, KNOWS that "this is it". His way of thinking is the opposite...because I've been forgetting my meds more easily, because it's a cycle we hadn't planned from the beginning, etc...means that it'll happen this time. As usual, he's WAY more positive than I am!

I do hope he's right though. And I'm pretty sure my body is hoping the same thing.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Thank god for gift bags

I HATE wrapping gifts. Hate hate hate it. Probably because I suck at it :)

Even though this was supposed to be a "light" Christmas, the boxes have taken over our house. There are more gifts than I remember buying. That's the thing about online's so damn convenient, open 24 hours, available all the time...I can't keep track of all my purchases.

And unfortunately, I'm not done yet. Only a few more, but still...I want to get this finished. My deadline of having all things holiday related completed by December 15 is quickly approaching.

So I started wrapping, um, bagging gifts today. And I realized a few things:

1- There are MANY gifts that are too tall to sit under our tree. Our short, stubby tree. Uber annoying.

2- I miss Grandma so much.

3- I am going to have to wrap at least SOME of the kids' gifts the traditional way. They need to be able to tear open their presents. This I understand.

4- I hope and pray MORE NOW THAN EVER that this is the last holiday season we are childless. I don't know if I can handle another year of what we've been through...I really don't.

Ok, who wants to come over and help me wrap? I'll pay you back with food and wine. Can't beat that! :)

Monday, December 3, 2007

Cruising along...and counting down the days...

Today was Day 3 bloodwork is fine and the ultrasound went tonight I start taking my estrace (estrogen pills) and I can cut my lupron shot dosage in half. I am PRAYING that this will help with my headaches...they've been pretty bad :(

I also got a little Christmas bonus at the RE this morning. I went to pay my copay and the receptionist (who I know very well, which makes sense after all this time) said, "no copay for you". I was like, "huh"?

She proceeded to tell me that "they said" not to charge me anymore for each visit this cycle...and that if I get a positive pregnancy test at the end, we'll deal with it at that time.

I didn't want to ask too many questions since there were two other people standing there, so I put away my money, said "well, Merry Christmas to me!", thanked her and got my coat. Think they read my blog entry about how we're being sucked dry by all of this? :)

Anyway, the FET is always scheduled approximately 2 1/2 weeks after Day 3...soooo, the countdown begins...

Saturday, December 1, 2007

It's December, soooo...

...the cookie baking has begun! I always make a bunch of different batches of cookies each year. I have several new kinds this list has about 10 different cookies. I think I picked some good ones...we'll see how they turn out.

I'm starting earlier than usual because my FET will be sometime around the 20th, 21st, 22nd (it's hard to know exactly until right around that time) and afterwards I'm not doing much of ANYTHING, for several days. Post-transfer/implantation is probably the only time during IF when all those people who've been telling you to "relax" are right :)

I'd post pics but I'm not actually baking them right now...I'm just making them and freezing the dough.

Decorating officially begins now too. Frank and I are going to get our tree this afternoon...then our nieces are coming over and staying for a sleepover. Hopefully they'll be interested in helping out with trimming the tree, but usually when they come here they run right upstairs to their 'hideaway' (otherwise known as our attic/4th bedroom, which we completely gutted and renovated) and disappear for a while. Cute.

Everyone moving along with their holiday shopping? I'm about 90% finished. Jealous? :) It's so liberating to not have to worry about it as the holidays get less thing to stress about. Online shopping RULES. The UPS man and I are best buds!

Frank and I are keeping it simple with each other this year. All we're wishing for is a BFP and a healthy pregnancy. Although, I did tell him I'll be picking out a nice piece of jewelry for my birthday :)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Let's add it up, shall we?

I have to start by saying that Frank and I are VERY thankful that we have insurance coverage for IF, even if it's only temporary. Also, we don't like to make the financial aspect a big issue, since this is a HUGE goal for us and we'll do just about anything to achieve it.

BUT, I need to vent. Isn't that what this blog is for? :)

This post started because I was thinking about how I have to stop at the pharmacy on my way home and pick up $85 worth of prescriptions. And that's only for TWO of my meds...two out of who-knows-how-many.

The insurance coverage, by the way, is my COBRA plan...which costs us almost $500 a month. Yes, I'm covered under Frank's insurance, but it covers practically NOTHING regarding IF. And as I've mentioned here before, it expires in June. Oh, and copays on my plan are $30. When you're going to the doctor anywhere from 2-7 times a week, that adds up.

Even before we started seeing an RE, the amount of money spent on ovulation kits, tests, and monitors...pregnancy tests (seems like I've taken a MILLION of these)...and all the other 'accessories' needed when you're in that limbo stage (Preseed, etc)...I have no idea what the total cost is, but no matter what it is, it was all money pretty much thrown out the window.

Also, since Frank isn't covered under my insurance, we have to pay out of pocket for any of his procedures (sperm anaylses, etc.). Again, I have no idea what the tally on that is.

Oh and my acupuncturist, who I truly adore, and who I can't quit because she's helped me get pregnant twice...2 times a week at $75 a pop. Nope, she's not covered under insurance either.

No coverage for embryo freezing and everything associated with that either (which you pay for an entire year, no matter how long they're stored)...and let's not even get started on what the bill for our PGD testing will be, IF (and again, I say it in the most positive way) this FET cycle doesn't work.

And if you think my RE is the only doctor I see, think again. There are others who take up my precious time by poking and prodding me and figuring out why I'm broken. They cost money too.

Wow, didn't I start this post by saying the financial aspect of IF wasn't a big deal for us? LOL. Maybe I was wrong...just a LITTLE wrong.

It ain't stopping us though. At least not yet.

SIDE NOTE: Dad's out of the hospital. He's not feeling better, and they can't figure out WTF is going on. But, at least his levels are somewhat back to normal and he's home, back on his couch. Thanks to those who sent their well wishes.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ah yes, the ol' lupron headaches...

It wasn't that long ago that I was doing this same exact protocol (BCP, lupron, estrace) could I have forgotten about these side effects already?

It's only the 4th day of lupron and my head is POUNDING. When I asked my RE about it the last time, he said it's because the body is deprived of estrogen...and once I start taking the estrace it should be better.

Too bad that's a week away.

I'll spare you all my "none of this is fair" speech, since I don't really have the energy to type it out...but beware of me tomorrow! :)

Monday, November 26, 2007

2 years down

Yesterday was our two year anniversary. Even though we've been through so much in the past two years, it actually has gone by pretty fast. This is what happens as you get older, right? The whole time flies thing? Crazy.

We vowed to go away for our anniversary each year but many factors got in the way this year (last year we went to Mexico and had a great time), so we ended up going into the city for dinner and then saw Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. It was so much fun...and we weren't even the youngest people there :)

We're hoping that our next anniversary will be just as nice, and will include another member of the family, either live or in utero.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Never a dull moment

My dad is in the hospital. I won't get into too many details, but it's never smooth sailing when he gets sick, given all his health issues. It took a lot of kicking and screaming for my mom to get him there (even though he was in a lot of pain), but he's pretty content since he's in a private room with a flat screen HDTV.

Hopefully he'll be out in about a week. And no, we don't know what's wrong with him yet...we're waiting for more test results.

As for me - I start my lupron tonight. Got my cooler packed since we'll be going to the hospital then to a friend's 40th birthday party. As crazy as this sounds, I LOVE the lupron shots, for a few's one step closer to transfer, and it makes me feel really productive about my treatment. There's a big difference between injecting drugs in your belly and popping them in your mouth, in my opinion.

Yeah, I'm nuts :)

Speaking of which, my sister and nieces slept over last night, and my sister and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth. She saw me take all my pills out and couldn't believe how many I take before bed. And to me, it's yet another thing that doesn't even make me blink twice. It's amazing how all of this becomes completely NORMAL after a while.

Or should I say, scary...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

It feels good to FINALLY be done with all my baking! Although I must say, it's very therapeutic for me. Hell, who am I kidding...I love doing it :)

Before we start our long, hectic day with our families, I thought I'd list a few things I'm very thankful for this year.

1- My husband. Yeah, that handsome guy you see on the right side of the page. He is the best thing that's EVER happened to me...hands down. I'm not sure where I'd be right now if I hadn't met him 3 years ago.

2- My family and friends...many of whom are both. They're all great people. Well, almost all of them ;)

3- Modern medicine. Without it, Frank and I would have ZERO chance of having our miracle baby someday.

4- Our daily lives, in general...our careers, our home, being financially comfortable, living so close to the greatest city in the world, always doing fun and new and exciting get the picture. I know not everyone has these luxuries, and even though we've worked our butts off for many years to get where we are, we're very thankful for it.

I hope all of you have plenty to be thankful for too. Enjoy your turkey!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Good news is always welcome

We got the results from my RPL (recurring pregnancy loss) panel yesterday...all the bloodwork came back negative. Which pretty much confirms what we already knew...there is absolutely no reason why I'm miscarrying, except for the fact that my eggs SUCK.

I love my husband more than life itself...I just wish I'd met him a few years earlier!

Oh well. Off to bake some pies...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The upside to being in limbo...

You can drink. lol.

I've been craving sangria for a while now, but wasn't able to drink for a few months. A few friends were going to take me into Newark last weekend (the old "drowning sorrows" night out), but I came down with a nasty cold :(

So last night, at around 9pm, we peeled ourselves off the couch after watching American Gangster (bootleg copy, and a good one too! I highly recommend seeing the movie) and headed to Iberia. Frank indulged in one glass, and I gladly downed the rest of the pitcher. A FULL pitcher. And it was damn good.

Now I've been up since 8am getting stuff done around the house, and preparing dinner for some family coming over. You can bet a nice fat glass of cabernet will be part of my meal. My shots start up again next week, so I'm partaking in as much as I can until then.

Oh, and any ideas you may have for me so the next month FLIES by...please add in the comments section. My Christmas shopping is halfway done, my house is clean, I'm caught up on all my Tivo, I'm booked solid for all of Thanksgiving weekend (which is also our second anniversary!)...but still, the third week of December can't come fast enough. I just want this cycle done and over with.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Just call me Aunt Miss...

That's what these little rugrats call me! Well, Petey doesn't call me anything yet, but he'll be yelling "Tia!" in no time, I'm sure...

Maddie, Nina and Petey. Three big reasons why I keep the faith. Oh, and Uncle Frank loves them lots too.

Doesn't the Big Man understand that these kids need more cousins??

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

"...always look on the briiiight side of life..."

Who sings that stupid song anyway?

I'm trying. I really am. It's just so damn HARD. Especially when you're constantly surrounded with reminders.

Like, for instance, three shows that I watch (um, yeah, I guess I watch a little too much should see our Tivo season pass list) had characters who had miscarriages...ALL LAST WEEK. Same week as me. I haven't cried that hard infront of the TV since...well, I guess since the week before that (everything makes me cry these days). But you know what I mean.

Let's not even get into the reminders that occur on a daily basis everywhere I go. Babies and pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. And even when they're not around, people are talking about them...who's pregnant, who just had a baby, how wonderful is my baby, my baby is SO smart and SO cute, my baby went pee pee on the potty...

Plus, our house could be mistaken for a crack den...we've got more needles, syringes and drugs than I know what to do with.

There's no escaping. And speaking of escaping, trying to book a vacation has become virtually impossible. WE NEED ONE....badly. Ugh.

OK, I feel a little better.

Thanks to all of you who have supported us during this struggle (you know who you are). Your kind words and listening ears (and knowing not to say "just relax, it'll happen" or "drink a lot of wine") have been very helpful with easing the pain a bit.

And yes, I still like hearing about your kids...I'd just prefer some adult conversation to go along with it :)

I'm slowly making my way to the bright side...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

How it all began...

I've been toying around with the idea of starting a blog for a while. Why? Because I've gotten to the point where I need to just GET THIS ALL OUT. I started keeping journals on my 13th birthday, and for some reason I stopped writing about 6 or 7 years ago. I always felt better when I got my thoughts down on now it's time to start again.

Frank and I were married on November 25, 2005. We met on Frank was very persistent and tried making a date with me for a whole month before I finally agreed to meet him. You know...I was 'busy' a few other losers, um, guys...I didn't have time for someone who actually showed a huge interest in getting to know me. Wake up Meliss!

So off we went to brunch on September 25, 2004. And to make a long story short, that's how our wonderful (and QUICK!) courtship started. We moved in together a month later, and got engaged on December 17, just 11 weeks later. And no, not one person thought we were crazy. Everyone knew, just like we did, that this was RIGHT. Finally, I met "the one"! :)

We knew from the beginning that we wanted to have children IMMEDIATELY. Why? Well, there are a few reasons...

1- We both love kids...and always knew we wanted to be parents
2- I've always had issues with my we kinda knew from the get-go that TTC (trying to conceive) would be a little tough
3- I was 36 and Frank was 32 when we got married. Time wasn't exactly on our side, from a biological clock standpoint, especially if we want to have 2 kids.

About 6 months before we got married, I bought the CBEFM monitor and started tracking my ovulation, in order to get to know my body better (starting taking my prenatals too...just incase!). Well, I got to know it better alright...I began to realize that I didn't ovulate all that much. Hmmm.

We figured we'd take a shot at it (literally) and not be careful the month before we got married. Nada. Ok, fine...we've got the honeymoon. Nope. Ok, no problem, we've got time to deal with this...

But first, we have to buy a house so we have a place to put all these kids we're going to have!!! Yeah, GREAT IDEA!!! And inbetween all the chaos of househunting, saving money, realizing we couldn't afford to live where we wanted to, FINALLY finding a house we like, making an offer, making a counter-offer, closing, gutting and renovating half the house, packing, and moving (oh, and furnishing)...we'll keep trying. Great.

Or, maybe not.

Soooo, we figure it's time for professional intervention. Onto the OBGYN, who prescribes clomid and prometrium for 6 months. With NO monitoring. What did I know? I was too busy trying to figure out why I felt like I was going through menopause...holy hot flashes.

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Finally, a referral to an RE (that's a Reproductive Endocrinologist, for those of you who are challenged in the infertility area)...what's that you say, you can't see me for TWO MONTHS? Don't you realize we've already been TTC for over a year now? Sorry honey, get in line...believe it or not, you're NOT alone. REALLY?

So, we wait...and while we wait, I lose my job, Frank begins what turns into a very long furlough, and my grandmother passes away. Happy 2007.

Our journey with the RE began in February of this year and this is how it's gone down...

Feb - first appt. with RE. referred to an endocrinologist after b/w and ultrasound tests are administered. diagnosed with PCOS, hypothyroidism, advanced maternal age, and unexplained infertility. Frank's boys are fine.

March - saline sonogram detects fibroids in my uterus (not detected during my HSG in December) is scheduled for mid-March (hysteroscopy). then we wait until I'm healed before beginning IVF cycle.

April - IVF cycle begins. protocol includes BCP (birth control pill), lupron, gonal F, ovidrel, and PIO (progesterone in oil). I might be forgetting something...there were just way too many needles and pills to count.

May - egg retrieval goes well, even though I'm bloated to the bejesus. 26 eggs retrieved, 21 fertilized (ICSI), 15 make it to day 3, which is when the RE calls and says, come in for your transfer. we transferred 4 embryos. 7 of the remaining 11 made it to day seven, and were frozen.

less than 2 weeks later was the first time I ever saw the word "pregnant" without the word NOT infront of it. also the first time I saw 2 lines (I took MANY MANY tests, LOL). we are ecstatic. the first few betas go well, until...

June - gestational sac and yolk sac are identified, but there is no fetal pole. missed miscarriage at 7 weeks. D&C scheduled for June 19th, the day after Frank's birthday.

pathology tells us the baby had Trisomy 16...and it was a boy.

more waiting...and long does it take for my body to realize I am NOT pregnant anymore?

August - given the go ahead to begin cycling. we decide on a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) and will transfer 4 of the 7 frozen embryos. UNTIL, saline sonogram detects something "leftover" in my uterus.

Sept 11 - hysteroscopy/D&C scheduled. pathology detects no fetal was another fibroid. one week later, the RE gives us the go-ahead to start our FET cycle. protocol is BCP, lupron, and estrace...followed by PIO.

October 17 - all 4 embryos survive the thaw (which is almost unheard of) and look great. what could be better? we go in for the FET and things seem so promising...

one week later...of course I'm going to test, who waits for the beta? sure enough, I'm pregnant, again. YIPPEE!!

one week later...2nd beta indicates slow growth. no more bloodwork...scheduled to come in for an ultrasound a week later to see what's going on.

and, one week Dr. detects a sac which is great news! ok, some relief! until my beta comes back later that day...and it's NEGATIVE. early miscarriage at 5 weeks 1 day.

Which brings us to today...the day after I took my first birth control pill for our next FET cycle. Yep, call us masochists, but we're trying again, and even making sure we get it squeezed in before this miserable year is over. Why, you ask?

1- um, hello, haven't you been paying attention? I'm old in the eyes of fertility. 39 will be here in less than 3 months. I can still hear the clock...
2- the other fun factor that is dealt with in this crazy world of IF...the insurance factor. my coverage is through my COBRA policy, and guess what? COBRA doesn't last forever. matter of fact, mine ends in June 2008.

IF, and I do repeat, in my most positive voice, IF this FET cycle doesn't work, we will be candidates for a new procedure coming out in Jan/Feb which is the most thorough embryonic testing out there. That'll be sure to give us the answers we need regarding my ancient eggs.

So there you have it...if you read this far I commend you for your patience and your bravery! I feel better already...all it took was typing out all this craziness we've been through in the past two years.

The most ironic thing of all of this (and I'll end on this note, I promise)...

When Frank and I were engaged, we talked about how we sometimes wished we'd have more time 'as a couple'...since we dated for such a short period of time, and agreed to TTC immediately, we realized our time alone, without children, would be limited. But, we were so excited to start a family, and knew it would bring us just as much happiness...or MORE...even if we couldn't drop everything and go away on vacation, or sleep late, or spend money frivolously, or go to AC on a moment's notice...

Guess who got their wish.