Could it be a Christmas miracle?

I went in for my second beta today. RE's like to see your beta number double every 48-72 hours in order for the pregnancy to be considered healthy and viable.

Well, mine almost tripled...in a little less than 48 hours. It's up to 56. Our reaction? Laughter. Honestly, what else could we possibly do when we get news like that?

We are being VERY cautiously optimistic...you all know what we've been through, especially since June...so we are fully aware that this can easily take a nasty turn. But for now, I am pregnant, AGAIN, and we are happy as can be.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been praying and pulling for us...please continue...it seems like it's working :)

Now I'm off to take a nap...Dad was back in the hospital again last night (he's out now, but he really has me worried) and I am in desperate need of some zzzzz's.

Another cruel joke on me

First beta = 21.

For those of you unaware of what that means, let me put it to you this way...I AM pregnant, but the chance of this working out is less than slim to none.

WHY couldn't it just be a negative number (less than 5) so they could tell me to go off the meds so I could get my period? WHY must I be tortured like this?

I'm out of tears. Seriously, I think I used them all up between yesterday and today. I'd be shocked if I had more in me. My eyes and face are beyond swollen.

So now, instead of getting loaded like I was hoping I'd be able to do this weekend, I have to continue my drugs, and go in for the second beta on Monday.

The evil 2007 gods are really stretching this out until the LAST POSSIBLE DAY. What a way to ring in the new year, huh...

Well, I can now say that

2007 has officially been the worst year of my life.

Frank and I took a few days and went down to Borgata...an easy escape from reality, and sadly, the closest thing we've had to a vacation in a WHILE, thanks to all this IF crap. We had a nice time, and just got back a little while ago. Frank really wanted me to test since I was upset about getting a negative result on Wednesday (he of course felt it was early, the positive thinker that he is)...

So, I tested again. BFN. No denying those two words staring you in the face on a digital HPT.

And now, I have to start heating up the oil for my shot, and we still have to get up early in the morning and drive to Morristown for our beta, so that we can get the official word from the RE. Yeah, that all seems pretty fair.

Merry fucking Christmas and Happy New Year to us.

Pregnant until proven otherwise

This is one of our favorite statements (by 'our' I mean the girls in my 'support group'...who have become wonderful friends)...and it's true. I mean, they did transfer 3 embryos directly into my uterus two days ago, right? That certainly doesn't make me NOT pregnant. At least not yet...

The progesterone most definitely makes you FEEL pregnant, that's for sure. This is my 3rd IVF cycle and once again I've got the typical side effects...the awful night sweats, peeing 3+ times in the middle of the night, the sore boobs, the awful heartburn and acid reflux...we were at my Nana's today and I was waiting to see which came first...a fainting spell or a big bunch of puke all over my shoes.

Combine that with the 'no smoking, drinking, caffeine, sex and heavy lifting' and I'd say, once again...pregnant...until proven otherwise.

Yeah, I know...it's good practice. Well quite honestly, I've had enough practice. I'll throw up 5 times a day if it means I'll finally have a successful and healthy pregnancy. Bring it on.

Oh and for those of you thinking, you just had your transfer two days ago...isn't that too soon to have any symptoms? Well, as I said, these are mainly from the progesterone (the high dose of estrogen probably adds to it too)...but to clarify, today I am 2dp7dt (for the infertility ignorant, that means, 2 days past 7 day transfer...our embryos were 7 days old when they were frozen).

That makes 9 dpo. (days past ovulation) Last time I tested at 12dpo and got a BFP. Which means, I could test on Christmas Day. Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm putting my positive thinking out there for everyone to see. Pregnant until proven otherwise. That's me...for now.

FET #2 is complete.

Well, we're home...after a hectic and exciting morning! When my phone rang a little before 9am and I saw my RE's number on the caller ID I thought, OH NO, this is NOT good news. They usually don't call until after 11 (transfers are usually done in the afternoon)...so I thought they were going to say that the frozen embryos didn't survive the thaw...

Sure enough, it was a call FULL of good news. They wanted me to start drinking my water at 10, be there by 10:30 and ready for an 11am transfer. AND THEN the nurse tells me that my primary doctor, who we absolutely LOVE, decided to make a special trip into the office just to do OUR transfer. We were so thrilled.

Now for the best news...ALL 3 EMBRYOS THAWED!!! That's 7 out of 7 that survived the thaw for us...WELL ABOVE the odds. We were SO happy and relieved...and my doctor gave us the picture and said they all look TERRIFIC...exactly the way they should look. Hopefully now they're all looking for a warm place to settle in :)

The transfer was a smooth one...the dr. felt it went very well...so now, we sit and WAIT. We both feel really good about this...we are really hoping the third time's a charm.

So now I am on my couch and will not be moving for a WHILE. Feel free to come and visit...I could use the company :) And no matter where you are...talk to these little ones about STICKING AROUND...all of your thoughts and prayers have worked so far and we really, really appreciate it.

Stressed out much?

On Sunday, Frank was cleaning off and warming up my car, then he hopped in his truck to go to Shoprite. He called me while he was out to see what I wanted for lunch, and I asked him where my car key was...he said it was in his truck.

Yesterday I went looking for my key and couldn't find it. I used my spare one and when I called him asking about the key, he said, 'oh, I put it in the nook (it's an area in our hallway where the keys go)...or maybe it's still in my truck. I don't know, I'll check later'. I had checked the nook and it wasn't there...

So, he gets home last night and looks in his truck. No key. He checks his
jacket he was wearing on Sunday...still no key. He starts ripping the
house apart, and now he's getting annoyed. Meanwhile, I'm mad because I'm thinking he dropped the key at Shoprite...how irresponsible can he be...how much is the key going to cost to replace (they're expensive!), etc, etc...

We go to bed not exactly happy with each other. LOL.

He always leaves before me in the morning...so today, as I was starting to pull out of the driveway, I realize I left my laptop inside. As I head toward the house I fall...HARD...on the ice. I determine that I'm still in one piece and start getting up...look down the driveway...and low and behold, I see my key. Right there, on the driveway (it must have been under my car). I couldn't help but chuckle, just a little bit...and then proceeded to drag my sore body back into the house for my laptop.

So I called him on the way into work and we both got a good laugh out of it, even though i'm in MAJOR pain. Everything from my head to my fingers to my ass to my leg to my foot (all on my left side) is KILLING me.

At least it didn't happen AFTER I got impregnated this week.

A friend of mine, who coincidentally got engaged on the same exact day as us 3 years ago, wished me a 'Happy Engagement Anniversary' this morning. I then realize...it was yesterday. Yeah, I know, it's not a big deal...but Frank and I have only been together for slightly longer than that, and NEVER forget landmark dates in our relationship.

I guess my point is, the stress has really gotten to us...I mean, who goes to bed angry with each other over a missing car key? We shouldn't be going to bed angry about ANYTHING.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...WE NEED A VACATION. And, we need for it to be 2008. That, or 2007 has to end on a GREAT note.

Sleeping (and dreaming) like a baby...

Wow. I'm like a new person today. Last night was the best sleep I've had in a LONG time. I think part of it might be because my headaches have decreased a good amount...or maybe it's because there's now a light at the end of the tunnel with this cycle...I'm not sure. No matter what the reason, I'll take it!

It's just a matter of time though before I'm up twice a night to pee, thanks to the PIO shots, which I started on Saturday. (yeah, if you read my blog, you're gonna get all the dirty details. LOL.) My boobs have already started getting a little sore, which is another side effect. Well, at least I know the drugs are working...and FAST!

So, onto my fantastic dream last night...we were hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother and sister-in-law, and Grandma...who was booking a cruise for us...for September. She was sure we'd all want the all-you-can-drink option, but she wanted to double check. She was so excited about it and of course, thrilled to make her grandchildren happy.

There's a lot of meaning behind this dream...I'm not sure what all of it is, but we'd frequently travel with our grandparents as kids and adults, to many different places, domestic and international...as kids, spend summers with them at their bungalow in Seaside Park (and Grandma was always 'generous' with the occasional whiskey sour or other libation for us)...there are SO many memories from so many different places. A lot of our conversation in the dream was right along the lines of what we'd plan in real life.

This is the first dream I've had about her since she died, almost 10 months ago. It's nice to know she's still with us :) Her voice is still perfectly recalled in my head...whether it's while I'm thinking of her during the day (which I do a LOT) or dreaming of her at night.

I'm wondering why she'd want to book the cruise for September though...since, if this cycle works, my EDD will be September 4th. Hmmm. Come on Grandma...give me another sign!

We are ON!

My FET has been scheduled for Thursday the 20th. Providing all goes well between now and then, I will be impregnated in less than a week! We're almost there...

Of course that means the dreaded PIO shots start again...tomorrow, to be exact...good times. My butt's still sore from them during my last cycle. Sigh. No more belly shots though...tonight was my last one. Hopefully my last one FOREVER.

I think this means my beta will be on New Year's Eve...hmmm...is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm guessing it'll either be a LOT of champagne that night, or passing out infront of the TV at around 10.

No matter what, I couldn't be happier that this cycle is ALMOST OVER. Thanks for hanging in there with me every step of the way...just hang in there for 5 more days, please :)

T minus one week and counting...

We're closing in on this FET cycle. My new slogan = 3rd time is a charm!

As long as all goes well with the rest of my monitoring, we should be in for transfer a week from today or tomorrow. We had a bit of a scare this week with my levels and my uterine lining, but things seem to be okay and hopefully the drugs (and slight change in protocol) will continue to do their job.

I still feel like crap and my head continues to pound like a drum...add to that my newfound dizzy spells (likely from the increase in estrace) and I'm a joy right about now. I think it's so great that people are asking how I'm feeling, but quite honestly, I'm sick of saying, "shitty, thanks!". LOL.

Well, I'm not going to lie! Plus if you actually SAW me, you'd have the answer to your question. I'm a lovely sight right about now...it's fun looking in the mirror these days.

How Frank hasn't moved out of the house by now is beyond me.

Parents are right...life really is unfair.

Did your parents and grandparents like to say that a lot too? "Missy, no one ever said life was fair". You just never really understood it as a kid...probably because as a kid, you rarely have REAL problems.

More and more, throughout my adult life, I agree with this statement. I'm not just talking about what's going on with me...there are many people in my life right now who are going through so much pain.

REAL PAIN. Not the crap that makes some people CONSTANTLY complain (you know these people)...because they locked themselves out of the house...or because they're having a bad hair day...or because they're annoyed that their coworker eats a stinky lunch at his desk. The story changes every day...it's always something.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE. I have no tolerance for these idiots (again, you know these people...everyone does).

I'm tired of bad things happening to good people. I really am.

A friend in need

Some of you know my friend Megan...or, you may not know her but are familiar with her story...well, yesterday it took a pretty bad turn. Here is the link to her blog, if you'd like to read about it (and her entire story, if you don't know it):

Multiple Baby Pileup

I have met Jack, Katie and Charlotte...not only are they absolutely adorable, but they are fighters, through and through. Just like their parents.

Megan and I have known each other since we were engaged and got married on the same day. We both thought it was funny that not only are we the same age, but our husbands are too (several years younger than we are). Our biggest problems in life went from choosing bridesmaid dresses and first dance songs, to realizing that we couldn't get pregnant on our own.

Fortunately, Megan's first IVF cycle worked...and after a relatively easy, unremarkable pregnancy, she and PJ now have much more serious issues to deal with.

If there is any way you'd like to help, please let me know. I am accepting donations for food, diapers, detergent, and other things that I know Megan and her family need, during this very trying and hectic time.

Also, if you'd like to make a donation via Paypal, please do so to Lisa at lrochman@att.net ...let her know your name and that you were directed to her from my blog. EVERY LITTLE BIT makes a difference...thousands of dollars and many items have already been donated.

Most importantly, please keep this family in your prayers. Megan has told me MANY times that praying for them is really what matters most...they can use all the help from above that they can get.

I think my body is sending me a message...

...and it's pretty straight forward.

ENOUGH.

My headaches are worse than ever. My belly is bruising, which has never happened before. I'm exhausted. I look AWFUL. My face looks like a road map. My arm veins are hard...too hard to draw blood from. My emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I could go on and on...overall I feel like absolute CRAP and I'm tired of it, quite frankly.

If it weren't cooperating, I'd be much more concerned...but I just came back from another ultrasound and everything is "progressing quite nicely". Bloodwork results come later today. If they're ok, my estrace will be increased and if I remember correctly, the lupron will stop? I don't know, maybe it's too soon for that.

This is the first cycle that I don't have the calendar they give you on my fridge. I guess that's why I'm a little confused about what drugs start and stop when, but they always call to remind you anyway. I honestly think I'm just in denial about this cycle working...I have been from the beginning. I'm viewing it as a "filler"...something to do before we move to the new PGD testing in Jan/Feb.

Frank, on the other hand, KNOWS that "this is it". His way of thinking is the opposite...because I've been forgetting my meds more easily, because it's a cycle we hadn't planned from the beginning, etc...means that it'll happen this time. As usual, he's WAY more positive than I am!

I do hope he's right though. And I'm pretty sure my body is hoping the same thing.

Thank god for gift bags

I HATE wrapping gifts. Hate hate hate it. Probably because I suck at it :)

Even though this was supposed to be a "light" Christmas, the boxes have taken over our house. There are more gifts than I remember buying. That's the thing about online shopping...it's so damn convenient, open 24 hours, available all the time...I can't keep track of all my purchases.

And unfortunately, I'm not done yet. Only a few more, but still...I want to get this finished. My deadline of having all things holiday related completed by December 15 is quickly approaching.

So I started wrapping, um, bagging gifts today. And I realized a few things:

1- There are MANY gifts that are too tall to sit under our tree. Our short, stubby tree. Uber annoying.

2- I miss Grandma so much.

3- I am going to have to wrap at least SOME of the kids' gifts the traditional way. They need to be able to tear open their presents. This I understand.

4- I hope and pray MORE NOW THAN EVER that this is the last holiday season we are childless. I don't know if I can handle another year of what we've been through...I really don't.

Ok, who wants to come over and help me wrap? I'll pay you back with food and wine. Can't beat that! :)

Cruising along...and counting down the days...

Today was Day 3 monitoring...my bloodwork is fine and the ultrasound went well...so tonight I start taking my estrace (estrogen pills) and I can cut my lupron shot dosage in half. I am PRAYING that this will help with my headaches...they've been pretty bad :(

I also got a little Christmas bonus at the RE this morning. I went to pay my copay and the receptionist (who I know very well, which makes sense after all this time) said, "no copay for you". I was like, "huh"?

She proceeded to tell me that "they said" not to charge me anymore for each visit this cycle...and that if I get a positive pregnancy test at the end, we'll deal with it at that time.

I didn't want to ask too many questions since there were two other people standing there, so I put away my money, said "well, Merry Christmas to me!", thanked her and got my coat. Think they read my blog entry about how we're being sucked dry by all of this? :)

Anyway, the FET is always scheduled approximately 2 1/2 weeks after Day 3...soooo, the countdown begins...

It's December, soooo...

...the cookie baking has begun! I always make a bunch of different batches of cookies each year. I have several new kinds this season...my list has about 10 different cookies. I think I picked some good ones...we'll see how they turn out.

I'm starting earlier than usual because my FET will be sometime around the 20th, 21st, 22nd (it's hard to know exactly until right around that time) and afterwards I'm not doing much of ANYTHING, for several days. Post-transfer/implantation is probably the only time during IF when all those people who've been telling you to "relax" are right :)

I'd post pics but I'm not actually baking them right now...I'm just making them and freezing the dough.

Decorating officially begins now too. Frank and I are going to get our tree this afternoon...then our nieces are coming over and staying for a sleepover. Hopefully they'll be interested in helping out with trimming the tree, but usually when they come here they run right upstairs to their 'hideaway' (otherwise known as our attic/4th bedroom, which we completely gutted and renovated) and disappear for a while. Cute.

Everyone moving along with their holiday shopping? I'm about 90% finished. Jealous? :) It's so liberating to not have to worry about it as the holidays get closer...one less thing to stress about. Online shopping RULES. The UPS man and I are best buds!

Frank and I are keeping it simple with each other this year. All we're wishing for is a BFP and a healthy pregnancy. Although, I did tell him I'll be picking out a nice piece of jewelry for my birthday :)