notes from the (formerly) infertile belly

SHE'S HERE!

2008-09-10T15:05:00.003-04:00

No time to post much right now as I'm in the middle of baby bootcamp, but Annabella arrived on Tuesday Sept. 2nd, at 1:51pm. I promise to update very soon!

Crossing the finish line

2008-08-31T08:35:00.003-04:00

2 more days. TWO. And I'll become a mom.

I guess I'm calmer than most people because I got a lot of comments yesterday like, "are you freaking out?" and "are you sure you're ready?" It actually left me wondering if I'm reacting normally to all of this...??

Honestly, I'm trying to stay calm for my own sanity...if I start getting nervous now I'll be a disaster by Tuesday.

I keep looking around the house and thinking, less than a week from now, Frank and I will be sharing this house with another person. FINALLY. It's why we bought this house in the first place, 2.5 years ago. It was meant to be for more than two people all this time.

He's still sleeping. I've been up since 5:45...yeah, I know, this is when I should be sleeping as much as possible (if I hear that one more time I might deck someone, LOL)...but I can't. I'm ok, I feel rested...sleeping has just been anything but an easy task these days.

We've got a busy day ahead...we have manis/pedis/wax in a little while, then going to see my dad, then to the cemetery to see Grandma, then to Clori's. We're making the family rounds today, since tomorrow will be spent alone...just the two of us...our final day as a family of two.

I am amazed that I'm actually typing that last sentence...for a LONG time I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to.

I think we're in trouble.

2008-08-25T10:20:00.002-04:00

If A is HALF as active out of the womb as she is inside, we definitely have our work cut out for us. I had my last high risk appointment this morning and she flipped AGAIN. Baby's back to breech. She can't make up her mind!

8 days until she makes her grand entrance...

Feeling crappy but great appointments today

2008-08-18T15:42:00.002-04:00

Guess who was lucky enough to get a stomach virus yesterday? Fun times. I feel awful :( I honestly thought this was it and I was starting labor...that's how bad it was all night long.

Frank stayed with me this morning and went to the high risk doctor since I was feeling so bad, but also hoping to get a peek at A's face. No luck. But she's doing great...practicing her breathing and moving her mouth (I'm sure she'll love to eat as much as Mommy and Daddy do!). All's well once again.

Afterwards I went to my endo, who praised me on doing such a great job, since day 1 of this pregnancy, managing my GD. She told me to tell all of my family/friends to bring LOTS of cookies and cake to the hospital after A is born...said I deserve it after being tortured for so long. I agree!

I lost another 5 pounds too, since last week! WTF?

OB tomorrow morning...hopefully that will go equally as well.

37 weeks

2008-08-17T10:40:00.003-04:00

Pardon the exhausted look on my face...this was at the end of a pretty long day yesterday. Never mind the fact that sleep is now a luxury around here...and A hasn't even arrived yet! Sigh.

Today's goal - to cook and freeze as much as possible. The challenge - freezer space. We'll see how it goes. I already have a lasagna in the oven, as per Frank's request.

We're almost there!

I know, it's been a while.

2008-08-14T09:57:00.003-04:00

But those of you who know me know why. Life has taken a crazy turn and it's been chaos for over a month now. Fortunately, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel for Dad, and hopefully things will continue to move in that direction. HOPEFULLY.

So much for what is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. But I'll take the sadness as long as I know that Pop Pop will be spending lots of quality time with his granddaughter soon.

As far as Annabella goes, all of our appointments have been great. She's doing very well and is thoroughly enjoying kicking my ass, LOL. She's certainly not slacking in the growth department either...all 7 lbs. 3 oz. of her!

And, she finally showed her face on Monday, although it was only for a brief moment. She's gorgeous. Seriously.

My c-section is scheduled for September 2nd. We can't wait to meet her!

And speaking of doctors...

2008-07-23T13:15:00.003-04:00

Thanks to those who have been asking about my dad (he's been hospitalized since July 15th, for those who don't know). I won't get into all the details here since it's way too long to type, but he is slowly recovering.

I've been trying not to get too upset about it all for Annabella's sake...all this family needs now is for me to end up going into labor early...no thanks!

It's been a quiet week for me so far with my doctors. Saw my high risk guy on Monday and he said that A is "beyond perfect". Music to my ears. Let's hope it stays that way for another 6 weeks.

If her activity level is any indication of her health, then she's going to be a marathon runner. She doesn't stop! Now we just need her to get over her camera shyness :)

Doctors, doctors and more doctors

2008-07-17T21:10:00.004-04:00

Endocrinologist yesterday - all is good, although I'm starting iron pills now...not a big deal.

OB today - everything's still good with A...can't schedule my c-section yet...back in 2 weeks

Pediatrician today - nice doctors...great office (clean, new, and seperate waiting room for well infants)...very informative

OH and I got the christening date scheduled. Now to find a place...already started making calls. Another project I'd like finished before A arrives!

Had a great portuguese dinner with a friend...yum.

Frank's out at a client dinner...I'm hanging on the couch. Totally beat. A long, but productive day!

Who's her daddy?

2008-07-14T15:59:00.001-04:00

Another appt. at the high risk doctor...another u/s...another bust.

The good news (and MOST importantly)....A is doing GREAT...growth is right on track, hb is wonderful, and my fluid is measuring normal. She weighs 4 lbs. 5 oz.

The bad news...she REFUSES to turn around to show that pretty face of hers! It was all back and butt, AGAIN. No pics to bring home, AGAIN.

Anyone who knows Frank knows he is ANYTHING but camera shy. This is nothing like him...she should be hamming it up every time we walk in there. WTF is up with this kid? He spoke to her 3 times this morning telling her to cooperate...I told him if this is any reflection of how she'll listen to him, he's in trouble.

Well, now I'm going on a weekly basis, so we'll have to hope for the best come Monday. I can't believe with all the ultrasounds I've had, we've yet to see her face!

For such a tiny person...

2008-07-07T11:21:00.003-04:00

...she sure takes up a lot of space! Or should I say, her "stuff" does.

Still getting everything in order...and slowly but surely realizing that this house just ain't big enough for the three of us, LOL. I know, I know, it'll be fine...but I've run into a few roadblocks just this morning alone and it's freaking me out a bit. This damn nesting instinct is going to send my BP sky high.

I need a massage.

2 things I discovered this weekend that Annabella loves...fireworks and the Yankees. She was like a mexican jumping bean during each of them. She better be a Yankee fan considering we've got about 25 outfits for her! :)

OK, back to the organizing...

30 weeks!

2008-06-30T08:43:00.002-04:00

Yikes! Coming into the home stretch, as everyone likes to tell me...lol.

Just had another good OB appointment...BP is still great (110/72), protein is fine, and I lost a pound. I'm measuring normal and A's heartbeat is good (148). Back in 2 weeks.

Still making progress in the nursery...I'm not ready for pics yet though...still have some things to hang on the walls.

Moving right along...

Showered with love

2008-06-22T17:16:00.008-04:00

My baby shower was yesterday, and it was so much fun! I can't believe how generous everyone was...we were completely overwhelmed with all the gifts we received. It reminded us once again how lucky we are, and how blessed Annabella is.

Now we just have to figure out where to put everything! :)

Busy day for Baby A!

2008-06-19T16:16:00.002-04:00

Two doctor appointments today!

First, the OB. She addressed my cankles and said, "it is what it is...and it'll only get worse!" No concern since my BP is fine (110/72) and so is the protein in my urine. Plus I didn't gain any weight. So, my swelling is nothing more than an eyesore...which is good news!

We will be scheduling my c-section in about a month. It'll either be the last week in August or Sept. 2nd. Time will tell.

Then, off to the high risk doctor this afternoon. Grandma came along and got to see A for the first time! Too bad she was camera shy (AGAIN) but there was no mistaking the big patch of thick hair on the back of her head. Uh oh.

She's measuring at about the 70th percentile which is fine, according to them...and weighs 3 lbs. 4 oz. Yikes!

All in all it was a good day...A was on her best behavior :) Back for more in 2 weeks. Hopefully the good news will continue...

The furniture is here!

2008-06-17T19:18:00.001-04:00

Talk about making everything seem soooo real...our former office is now a nursery! Wow.

I won't take pics yet since it's just bare furniture in an otherwise empty room...but after my shower this weekend I should have lots to fill it up with :)

Holy heatwave!

2008-06-12T18:57:00.002-04:00

I can't believe how hot it's been! I've been trying to get out at least a little while each day, but for the most part I've been home in the AC. We got VERY lucky...there was a HUGE power outage in our area and somehow we escaped it.

Annabella took her first swim on Sunday...we went to my cousin's house and swam in her new pool. It was heaven...it felt awesome. I see a lot more pools in my future in the next few months...LOL. It's great to feel so weightless, and COOL!

Off to dinner...we're taking advantage of our 'freedom' as much as we possibly can before our arrival, which we know will be here before we know it :)

Taking it easy this week

2008-06-05T15:31:00.002-04:00

After seeing my OB on Monday and the look of fright on her face after seeing my feet and ankles, I thought it'd be best to take it easy for a while (she recommended the same). I haven't really done much besides run a few errands, and I went to the movies last night.

I have been able to get more done around the house though...A's closet is clear of everything except her stuff (and she's got quite a wardrobe already) and I purged some more of my things. The nursery furniture is being delivered on the 17th. We're making progress!

Let's see how I survive this upcoming weekend of 95 degree days. Like I've said before, I'd do anything for a pool right now...

Exhausted is an understatement.

2008-06-01T18:36:00.002-04:00

I can't get over how tired I am today. Our nieces were here yesterday and slept over...honestly, we spent the majority of the time at our neighbor's house for a BBQ, but for some reason I am WIPED today. Guess it didn't help that I had a few nightmares and didn't sleep well :(

Anyway, this is what a tired, hot, swollen, miserable 26 week pregnant woman looks like, incase you're interested...LOL. Frank took this pic a few hours ago after we got home from brunch and I've been on the couch ever since.

Breathing is FUN!

2008-05-29T17:12:00.003-04:00

Finally, some relief today...I'm still not close to 100% but at least I don't have to breathe out of my mouth. No meds today since I don't really need them...and can feel A kicking a lot more today because of it! I feel bad about 'drugging' her for the past day and a half but I just couldn't deal anymore...

I saw my endocrinologist today who continues to be impressed with me...LOL. My numbers are great, BP was perfect (she asked me if I'm normally a "calm person"...uh, yeah, don't think so)...everything looks good. She's even giving me 2 weeks reprieve until the next visit...6 weeks instead of 4. I'll take it.

I took this pic a few hours ago with my cell phone...I can't believe my used-to-be-obsessed-with-picture-taking husband hasn't been keeping up with my belly shots. Hopefully I'll have a better one soon...I plan on giving him a much needed kick in the butt about it :)

The verdict: ALLERGIES.

2008-05-27T10:20:00.002-04:00

Fun stuff. Never had them in my life and NOW, at the age of 39, when I am with child, someone up there decides to bless me with them. The doctor truly feels that this is what's going on, based on the way I've been feeling and what's been happening...

So, they recommended taking benadryl or sudafed, as directed...plus it'll help me sleep. At this point I'm willing to do anything (providing it's safe), so off to CVS I go in a little while to pick some up. I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

And PLEASE, please don't tell me that this is just my body preparing me for no sleep once the baby comes. I don't want to hear it anymore...3 or 4 dozen times is quite enough for me. Mommy needs her zzzz's NOW! Thanks :)

Boogie Nights

2008-05-22T07:27:00.002-04:00

Can someone PLEASE tell me when all of this congestion is going to END? I wonder why I have a hard time sleeping...I have to believe the fact that I can't breathe out of my nose has something to do with it...not to mention the fact that my ears are always clogged. UGH.

Off to get more bloodwork done...

GREAT news!

2008-05-19T17:10:00.002-04:00

We just got back from the high risk doctor, and Annabella is measuring right on target! My fluid is also exactly where it should be. What a relief!

She weighs 1 lb. 12 oz. and the tech also said she's TALL (after measuring her femur)...how that happened I have no idea, LOL.

She was being a little shy and facing downward so we didn't get any good pics of her face, but it was great to see her again...she was kicking up a storm as usual, and we did get one pic of her waving at us :)

We're so happy things are on target after last week's scare...now we can breathe a little easier, at least until the next appointment. Go Annabella!!

3 weeks ahead...hmmm

2008-05-14T18:48:00.003-04:00

According to my OB on Monday, that's what I'm measuring, which of course is concerning, given my GD. However, we'll get a much more accurate reading/measurement at my high risk doctor this coming Monday.

I've come to terms with this in the past 2 days, and I'll chalk it up to Annabella being advanced :) Hey, they told us she had a beautiful brain!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T17:02:00.005-04:00

JUST kicking my feet up after a long day here...I hosted brunch for my parents, sister and nieces, inlaws and sister-in-law. It was a great day, surrounded by loved ones, good food (and LOTS of it) and laughs. Good stuff.

And even though I'm not 'officially' a mom yet, I got some beautiful cards and very generous gifts. Frank bought me the diaper bag I wanted and a Tiffany key chain. My parents bought me a funny book about parenting. My inlaws got me a gift card to Old Navy (I love their maternity clothes), my sister gave me a cute top and my sister-in-law got me 2 really nice cards...including one from Annabella which made me tear up (then again, what doesn't these days!).

Frank even loaded the dishwasher between courses...I almost passed out in the kitchen after seeing that! LOL

I can't believe I FINALLY am able to take part in Mother's Day. Yeah, it's a Hallmark holiday, but one that I'm really beginning to love...I don't care how corny or commercial it is. I'm already looking forward to next year. Maybe this time I won't do all the cooking though :)

23 weeks...

2008-05-09T16:28:00.002-04:00

and one VERY long day later...here's a pic. It's from my niece's birthday party yesterday. I was hot and tired...LOL.

Yeah, that's my skinny ass sister comparing bellies with me. She seems to forget what a house she was when she was pregnant!

"Hi Daddy!"

2008-05-02T15:49:00.003-04:00

That's exactly what Annabella said last night to Frank when she gave him 5 solid kicks in a row to feel. He's been waiting a while for this (I actually thought it would take longer)...he was so happy and all I could do was cry like a baby. It gave me so much joy to see his reaction to feeling her move...way more than it's given me and I've been feeling her for a while!

I've said it before...I still can't believe that we are experiencing this miracle. Now that her presence is more obvious (whether it's what I feel on the inside or how I look on the outside) I am constantly amazed. Our daughter is growing inside of me. Unbelievable.

OB visit today...

2008-04-29T15:55:00.003-04:00

I met another doctor in the practice today and liked him a lot. We talked about my history a bit as well as what's going on with me now. He mentioned how pleased he was with taking my GD seriously (how could I not?)...my weight was the same as my visit last month (still down 15 pounds since getting pregnant).

Then we talked about my swelling. He said that for now, because it's on both sides and it doesn't include my face, that it's normal. However, he talked about how GD and high BP could be associated with each other, so he wants me to be careful and aware of the swelling and how it progresses.

He also discussed the strong possibility of bedrest at some point, as well as "meeting your daughter early". Yikes.

All in all, everything is fine right now, and A is doing great. He wants me to go back to their office in 2 weeks for more monitoring (they took blood today) and this way I'll also be on a schedule where someone is seeing me every 2 weeks, between my OB practice and my high risk doctor.

Keep us in your thoughts that everything continues to go well...

Kicking up a storm!

2008-04-28T20:22:00.000-04:00

Well it's official...we've got a wild one in there! :) A has been very active the past few days. I love it. I can't believe I'm finally able to take part in this wonderful miracle. I'm already sad about possibly never being pregnant again and having this be the only time I can experience all of this :(

Back to the OB tomorrow...we'll see what they have to say about my swelling. Hopefully it isn't a big deal and everything else will be ok. Wish us luck!

My ankles are gone :(

2008-04-22T07:44:00.003-04:00

Well, I knew it was just a matter of time since I'm prone to swelling (happened a lot while I was on all my infertility meds)...I've been swollen all along but now it's really kicked in. Even my hands have started. I don't think I'll be wearing my engagement ring for a while now...

I had a bit of a scare yesterday because it had gotten REALLY bad, much worse than the previous days. I called my OB office and they ordered me off my feet for the day, and to drink a ton of water and stay away from salt. I'm looking better this morning, but that's usually par for the course after being asleep for 8 hours. Still, I don't think there's reason to be alarmed...I'll call their office in a little while and hopefully this can be dealt with next week at my next appointment.

As long as they give me the go-ahead, I'll be leaving later this morning for a little getaway with my mom, sister and nieces. We'll be down at our shore house for a few days. It'll be nice to relax in a different atmosphere...I'm starting to get bored with my house.

Other than that, everything is great, aside from being a little uncomfortable. We bought new front porch furniture this weekend and it's perfect for relaxing outside with my morning cup of decaf or later in the day/night. I'm looking forward to using it more as the weather gets warmer. I love our porch!

More great news!

2008-04-17T22:12:00.002-04:00

We had our Level II ultrasound today, and everything looks GREAT!! A is measuring right on target...and all of the parts seem to be where they should be :)

We were a little bummed that we couldn't video tape it, and the pics we got are pretty blurry, but it didn't matter...it was still really exciting and more importantly, a relief that all is well.

It truly amazes me how they can see so much, and be able to identify what everything is! I see the tech typing in the word "diaphragm" and I'm like, REALLY? How can you tell...it just looks like a big blob! LOL

She had her legs crossed the whole time, which Daddy was very happy about...already this poor guy is worried about A and her teenage years. MEN!

A nice, restful week

2008-04-12T08:37:00.004-04:00

Frank got some time off so we did a "Jersey Shore" tour of sorts...Cape May, AC, and a few stops inbetween. Our plans changed a little since the weather didn't cooperate :( Still, we had a nice time, had some amazing spa treatments, good meals, and most of all, RELAXED.

Here's a pic of me and Annabella at the Borgata...it was her fourth trip there already. Think she'll like to gamble like Mommy and Daddy? LOL

More creamed spinach, please...

2008-04-06T11:36:00.002-04:00

I still can't get over how ravenous I am at certain times. I think back to the first trimester, when I could barely STEP INTO the kitchen, let alone eat...and now it's quite the opposite. I'll take it :)

A bunch of us went out to dinner for a friend's 40th last night. We went to a great steakhouse, which is perfect for my diet, and between 16 of us probably ordered about half the menu. Yeah, it was hard to pass on the mashed potatoes and many, many desserts (forget about the 30 bottles of wine, dirty martinis WITH BLEU CHEESE OLIVES!! and other liqueurs being enjoyed by everyone else) but I certainly had my fair share of the rest of what was there.

I swear, if my diet weren't restricted, I probably would've gained 25 pounds by now, as opposed to losing 15.

A few people last night who I haven't seen in a while asked what my cravings have been...I said, "Pretty much anything I'm not allowed to eat! See that chocolate lava cake I just passed over? That creme brulee over there? Yeah, that would be it...". So much for being unlike just about every other pregnant woman, who has the urge for an ice cream sundae and sends the hubby out at midnight :(

The miracle inside me is well worth all the sacrifices. Just remember, for those of you visiting me in the hospital when A comes...pizza and DQ blizzards...LOL

It was a fun night out with the crew...we got home around 2am and I was EXHAUSTED...so much so that I slept until 10am today! Talk about paradise! I haven't done that in ages :)

I can't resist!

2008-04-03T20:44:00.002-04:00

This kid's already got a better wardrobe than me! It's so hard to step away from the adorable baby girl clothes and accessories...am I going to go broke before she even gets here?

And I'm not the only one. I was with Grandma today and she was doing a pretty bang-up job herself with her credit card :)

I went to visit a friend yesterday who just had her baby girl last week. OMG, I couldn't stop saying how beautiful she was. Long eyelashes, perfect skin, beautiful eyes...she is gorgeous! I held her for a while and at one point thought to myself, WOW, this is the way it will be in about 5 months...with MY baby.

And I can't wait :)

2 great doctor appointments!

2008-03-31T13:57:00.003-04:00

Everything's looking good, as per my endocrinologist and my OB. I'm now off the metformin and although my insulin has increased, it's better than being on both. My fasting number has been a little higher than usual the past few days though...we'll see what happens by the end of the week.

I got to hear Annabella's heartbeat again today, after a 15 minute struggle with the doppler (she was moving a LOT!)...152. She's an active one! It still brings me to tears when I hear it...how can it not...she is truly a miracle.

I also got a note from my OB to 'do the spa' next week while we're on vacation. I'm looking forward to a much-needed facial...and just relaxing in general. Frank needs it a lot more than I do, that's for sure...the poor guy's been working like a dog.

Oh, we picked up the glider yesterday (the rest of the furniture will be delivered whenever we want it)...so our first piece of baby furniture is in the house. It's in the living room right now, since we still have to clear out the nursery...I think if it were up to Frank it would stay in the living room, LOL...that's how much he likes it! :)

Getting bigger...

2008-03-27T18:15:00.002-04:00

It's getting obvious. People who see me say right away, "you have a belly"! And when I'm in bed, it's becoming quite clear that stomach sleeping ain't happening anymore.

Then I see someone who's further along than me with barely anything going on. Ugh. I can't even be the cute pregnant girl. Oh well...my excuse is that I'm having a girl and she's draining all my beauty out of me. It's true, right? Please tell me it's true.

I haven't taken pics yet because we (correction: Frank) lost the camera battery charger so we haven't been able to use the camera. The new one should be coming soon...I promise I'll take a few (with my shirt ON) then.

Furniture shopping was a success!

2008-03-21T13:43:00.004-04:00

Who knew it would be so easy to find something I loved? The fact that everything looks pretty much the same (to me, anyway) made it easier...but regardless, we are SO glad that it's picked out and paid for. All we have to do is schedule delivery when we're ready...we'll probably have it delivered shortly before my shower.

And, Frank is THRILLED that he doesn't have to put anything together. LOL.

Here's a link to the furniture (we ordered it in cherry):
Munire Furniture - Essex collection

And the glider/ottoman (also ordered in cherry):
Dutailier Extra-Large Sleigh glider/ottoman

It's all coming together...my goal is to have it all done before July so I can do NOTHING the last two months of my pregnancy except relax down the shore :) Here's hoping!

Guess I should've mentioned earlier...

2008-03-17T15:36:00.002-04:00

So, many of you have asked if we have a name picked out, especially since I referenced our little girl in an earlier post as Baby A...well, yes, we do. We were TTC for over 2 years...one would guess that the topic of choosing names had to come up at some point :)

Truth is, we agreed on two names (one girl, one boy) pretty quickly and had them picked out before we were even married. Who knew it would take SO LONG to actually put one to use?

Soooo, her name will be Annabella Josephine. Josephine was my grandma's name, and also my middle name. Annabella has no significance...we just like it

There it is...the big reveal! ;)

Need....sleep....

2008-03-16T14:40:00.002-04:00

How is it possible to be so tired yet have major difficulty falling asleep? What's going to happen when I'm even bigger than I am now? Ugh. The snoogle helps but it's not doing the trick...

Yeah, I know, this is my body's way of 'preparing me' for when the baby comes. If one more person tells me that, I may have to deck them. How about, my body should be giving me all the sleep I need NOW since it's not happening in my future?

Fortunately, I'm feeling GREAT otherwise. I'm loving the second trimester!

Meanwhile, I STILL haven't bought a single thing for her. How long has it been now since we found out she's a girl...at least 3 weeks, right? This is so unlike me. I'm thinking this rainy Sunday afternoon, in addition to getting a few necessary things done around the house, will involve some online shopping :) Let's see if I can find some good sales...anyone know of any?

Wait a sec...I'm pregnant?

2008-03-11T17:38:00.002-04:00

Yeah, this is all still a little surreal to me...so couple that with the 'ease' of the second trimester, and there have definitely been moments when I have to remind myself there's a pea cooking in there!

It's usually in the middle of the day...when I'm not taking any drugs or injecting myself with a needle, and when I'm not as tired. I have been getting headaches (common in the 2nd tri, so 'they' say) but they come and go and aren't too bad.

Yesterday I started cleaning out the room that will be A's nursery, and got SO tired SO fast...it wiped me out for the rest of the day! Crazy.

I always remember in the middle of the night though...when I'm up and down for bathroom breaks and when my boobs decide to become hard as rocks. Tough to forget during those times. LOL.

She's looking good!

2008-03-05T14:01:00.003-05:00

Got to see our little peanut again today...all is well. She was pretty mellow, actually...guess she was napping or something. Heart rate was 154. It was good to see her again...I'm still not used to the infrequent ultrasounds.

Oh, and I finally told my nieces that they're going to get a new cousin (they didn't know I was pregnant) and that it's a girl...they are so excited! I know they're looking forward to treating her like their little doll...I on the other hand am looking forward to them being able to babysit her in a few years :)

In other news...the insulin is fine, as are the belly shots. Nothing new about that to me. My blood sugar really seems to be becoming a major issue with this pregnancy...which concerns me somewhat...but we couldn't possibly be any more on top of it than we are already. Just have to take it day by day...

And, I started registering! Fun stuff! And quite overwhelming! If any moms out there have any favorite products, items, websites, etc (or things to stay away from)...please let me know...I'm open to suggestions :)

Back on the needle! That didn't last long, huh...

2008-02-28T10:51:00.002-05:00

Well, I just got back from my endocrinologist and unfortunately, I have to start insulin tonight. It's a very low dose (6 units per day)...but she feels that my body just isn't producing enough of it on its own...and this is best for me and our baby girl.

Shooting myself up is obviously the least of my concerns...that's what happens when you go through IVF three times. It's the fact that I'll be on another medication that bothers me.

If anyone reading this has experience with taking insulin while pregnant, I'd love to hear about it...please leave a comment.

Aside from that, everything is great...I STILL haven't gone shopping but I've got plenty of time! I have a feeling this is going to be one well-dressed little girl :)

The best news you could possibly hear...AND...

2008-02-26T14:48:00.003-05:00

What's better than being told your baby is HEALTHY? NOTHING...nothing at all.

We got our CVS results back today and that's exactly what we found out. Words can't begin to describe how happy we are...the past 2 weeks have been torture waiting for these results. We are THRILLED...I haven't been able to stop my happy tears since I got the call a few hours ago.

Oh, and probably the SECOND best thing is when you find out the sex of your baby. Well, guess what? We found that out too.

It's a GIRL!! I can't believe I'm not already at the mall! LOL

11 pounds down

2008-02-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

Who'd have thought being pregnant was the best diet out there for me? ;) And no, I'm not worried (and neither are my doctors)...those of you who know me know that I certainly wasn't a skinny minnie when I got pregnant!

Obviously the low carb diet is the reason...although my blood sugar numbers still aren't that great :( I was at my endocrinologist today and she wants me to get more bloodwork done tomorrow and see her again later this week. She keeps mentioning the "I" word (that would be insulin)...I guess we'll just see what happens...

One important message, to my Grandma...it's been a year and I still miss you tons. I hope you're watching over me and our baby...and you aren't telling this kid to be a pain in the ass the second he/she pops out :)

Tough week so far...

2008-02-21T20:38:00.002-05:00

for a few different reasons that I won't get into right now. I'd love to believe in the power of prayer, even though I've been doubtful lately...let's hope it works.

Keep us (and by us, I mean my entire family) in your thoughts, if you don't mind. Thanks.

Three things

2008-02-17T22:16:00.003-05:00

Just thought I'd list three things I'm grateful for this weekend:

#1- Our wonderful little getaway we had...fun times at Borgata, once again
#2- Our growing baby in my belly

and #3...

The fact that Frank doesn't have to work tomorrow, and neither do I...and I won't be working the next day, or the day after that. Matter of fact, I won't be working for a while...we've decided that it's time for me to take a break and concentrate on this little miracle we've got cooking.

Given my health issues and high risk factors, we feel this is the best thing to do...and thankfully we can swing it financially. After the baby's born we'll reassess the situation, but for now, I'm a SAHFM (that's a Stay At Home Future Mommy), and I'm pretty damn happy about it :)

So, let's do lunch...call me! LOL

Anyone see that truck that hit me?

2008-02-12T16:48:00.000-05:00

I was fortunate enough to have that nasty stomach virus going around hit me last night. I've had plenty of them before, but I have to say, it's even less fun when you're pregnant. Holy hell.

I've been in bed all day...relaxing, sleeping, and drinking lots of water. We'll see when I'll finally be able to eat something. UGH...

Worry, worry, worry...

2008-02-11T10:26:00.000-05:00

No, nothing is wrong...everything's going well with the baby. Still, I can't help but worry...I know it's completely natural, especially with everything we've been through. I keep thinking, just a few more weeks and I'll be able to breathe easier...

On a different note, it was wonderful to be at a baby shower yesterday and actually ENJOY it. I know if I weren't pregnant that wouldn't have been the case. It was nice to actually feel 'normal' and chat with other women about my pregnancy. I never thought that would actually happen!

I am now officially an OB patient!

2008-02-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my first OB appointment. Fun stuff. I got to see the baby again (heart rate is 169 and all looks well with the little booger) and we went over a TON of other stuff...I'm actually feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.

We discussed my AMA and my sugar issue...they are monitoring me very closely which I'm happy about (especially since it's what I'm used to!). Overall it was a very good appointment...except I have a yeast infection :( More stuff to stick up my cooch...lovely! LOL

Oh and I lost 5 lbs. since my endocrinologist appointment 2 weeks ago. Guess the low carb diet is working...

Graduation Day

2008-02-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

Well, we finally did it. Eight days shy of the anniversary of our first appointment, we graduated from our RE. We went in this morning and got to see our baby once again...growing just as he should and heart beating nice and fast (166).

Our doctor commended us on being so strong and persevering through all of this, even though we had so many reasons not to...how easy it would've been for us to give up...he said it's a true indication of what great parents we will be. It was such a bittersweet visit...we really love the staff there and it's going to be SO weird not to have to 'live' there the way we have been for the past year.

Depending on my bloodwork results from today I MIGHT have to go back in 2 days for f/u bloodwork for my progesterone level...but officially we are graduates :)

First OB appointment is on Thursday...yikes!

Can a weekend get any better? I had a great birthday...my boys in BLUE pulled off one of the biggest upsets in sports...and Frank and I made it through the biggest struggle of our lives.

Life is good.

Happy Birthday to me (a day early)

2008-02-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

Yep, tomorrow is the big 3-9. And I can't even have any birthday cake!

That's ok...I already have the best present I could possibly ask for :)

Bittersweet

2008-01-28T07:01:00.000-05:00

I am proud to report that we had another great ultrasound this morning. Baby C is now measuring 8w2d and the heartbeat rate is 163. Everything is perfect...and he's even starting to look like a baby! (I'm calling it "he" for no other reason than to not have to type he/she all the time, FYI) My due date is now September 6th. Simply amazing...

Yesterday was my first EDD. Frank and I talked about it earlier in the week...actually, he brought it up. He said he was sad about what we went through but that's it's easier to deal with the EDD when you're expecting another baby. He is so right. Yes, it's upsetting and it's tough to hear other people's announcements right about now and think, I should have a baby in my arms too...but we feel more than blessed for what God has given us now.

I also had the pleasure of babysitting my 16 month old nephew yesterday for about 90 minutes, 87 of which he cried his eyes out. That took my mind off the EDD for a little while too...and also made me thankful (at least temporarily) that my baby will be remaining in my belly for another 7 months. LOL.

Daily updates?

2008-01-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

So, I've gotten emails from a few people (you know who you are...) asking why I'm not updating my blog on a daily basis. I thought every other day or so was good enough :) but in a way, they're right...after all, this pregnancy is a HUGE event for us, and something we've been working very hard toward for a LONG time.

I also think it'll be fun to look back on this one day and see how things progressed with my pregnancy on a regular basis (and even share it with Baby C one day!)...soooo, I'll do my best, but I can't promise anything :)

As for today...well, it's a pretty good day. As usual, I didn't sleep very well, but I'm almost getting used to it, as well as that 'sour' feeling in my stomach. Oh and the congestion isn't getting any better either...ugh. But other than that I feel GREAT! LOL.

The low carb thing is going alright too. Those of you who've known me a long time know I've tried every diet under the sun...so low carbing isn't new to me...it's just a little harder when you're dealing with the pregnant ickiness. But so far, so good. And THANK YOU to everyone who left comments about their experiences with GD...any tips you have are much appreciated!

We have a fun and busy weekend coming up so I hope Baby C cooperates :)

Gotta love PCOS!

2008-01-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

I saw my endocrinologist today (who is a GREAT doctor, but a tough cookie) and she ALREADY has me testing my glucose twice a day. I have to keep track of it and fax her my results each week. And, she made it VERY clear that I need to stay away from carbs.

Anyone who's been pregnant before knows this is damn near IMPOSSIBLE to do in the first trimester. Bread, pasta, potatoes...they've been a pretty good friend during those waves of nausea (which have been more and more frequent).

Oh well...guess I can throw away those extra mashed potatoes I made last night! Think of me while I shove salad down my throat while trying not to gag.

The prize is WELL WORTH IT...that's for sure.

2008 = The Year of the Miracle

2008-01-21T07:05:00.000-05:00

Why, you ask?

1- The Giants are going to the SUPER BOWL!!! WOOHOO!!
2- Frank ate a whole wheat english muffin over the weekend (with no influence from me)

and, most importantly...

3- Our baby is doing GREAT! Measuring right on track and the heartbeat is perfect (133). Our RE is so happy with the way things are progressing.

Now if we all could just work on voting a Democrat into the White House, we'd really be in business :)

Dream a little (crazy) dream...

2008-01-16T18:06:00.000-05:00

So, before I got my BFP, I had a dream about my Grandma. It was the first one I had about her since she died in February. It was a great dream...her voice was so clear...we were laughing, having fun, and booking a vacation. Typical Grandma.

A few weeks later my Nonno entered my dream...he died when I was 15 and I NEVER had a dream about him until now. Hmmm. Think my grandparents are trying to tell me something? I love that they're here with me during this special time.

Then, last week, I had a dream that I was eating relish. STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR. Ummm...

And finally, last night, I had the type of dream that everyone told me pregnant women can't get enough of...the SEX dream. Only problem was...the two people having sex were people I've never seen before! Is that normal? Ewwww.

Guess we'll have to wait and see what the next 33 weeks have in store...

Music to our ears

2008-01-14T06:56:00.000-05:00

Is there anything better than hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time? I don't think so :)

Yes, we have a heartbeat...according to my RE everything looks wonderful. I am measuring 5w6d and we could see the heartbeat as well as hear it (well, hearing it wasn't as clear as we would have liked, due to background noise...aka, my gas!)...it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I let out the BIGGEST sigh. I've been up since 3am worried sick over this!

Pending my bloodwork results which we'll get around noon, everything is perfect so far. This is HUGE. We've never come this far before. We feel extremely blessed.

Between this and the Giants win yesterday, life is good :)

How am I doing, you ask?

2008-01-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

I'm fine. I have the occasional nausea, acid reflux, cramping, sore boobs and I'm pretty tired all the time. And a side effect I never knew existed, the increased production of bodily fluids, has kicked in BIG TIME. The amount of crap that comes out of my nose when I blow it is INSANE...lol. And no, I don't have allergies or a cold. I have no idea where it's all coming from.

Because of said increased mucous, Frank has been putting up with my "adorable snoring". Let's see how adorable it is after a few months :)

No morning sickness though...not sure if that's a good or bad thing...from what I hear, it usually doesn't kick in until around 7 weeks anyway...if at all.

Today I am 5w3d (that's 5 weeks, 3 days). And I am SURE these next 4 days will move at a snail's pace...since we're both SUPER anxious about our ultrasound on Monday.

We talk to our baby all the time...he has to know by now how loved he is. We're confident he'll be sticking around for the long haul. WE HOPE.

Keep those prayers coming...

Bloodwork is back...

2008-01-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

My beta is up to 1540...so it did way more than just double since the last one. Everything is right on track...now it's all about the heartbeat next week.

Heartbeat prayers, please! :)

First ultrasound results...

2008-01-07T06:47:00.000-05:00

Well, let's put it this way...it couldn't have gone any better :)

Our Dr. told us today would be the very first day we'd see a gestational sac and yolk sac...so, not to worry if we didn't, he'd just have me back in a few days...

Well sure enough they were both there, CLEAR AS DAY. We have never had such a positive ultrasound before. All the others were, "well, I THINK I see a yolk sac", etc...so we are completely thrilled :)

He also told us that I'm exactly 5 weeks today. I thought I was a little further along, but whatever. I'm just happy we came home with 2 ultrasound pictures!

My bloodwork results should be in around noon. Fingers crossed that my levels are still going strong...

So, providing all goes well with the bloodwork, we go back in one week from today for another ultrasound and bloodwork.

We know that we still have a few more hurdles to get over, but this is HUGE for us. One day at a time...that's what I keep saying (at 3am when I wake up to pee then can't get back to sleep because I'm a bundle of nerves).

Happy Monday everyone! :)

God Bless Baby Jack

2008-01-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

Baby Jack was a very special little boy...one of the most precious and strong babies I've ever met. A true fighter, and someone who will never know how much goodness he brought out in so many people.

He was laid to rest today.

If you would like to make a contribution, please do so to the following:

Jackson Malia Fund for special needs children
c/o James MacDonald Esq.
P.O. Box 146
Verona, N.J. 07044

May Jack rest in peace.

3rd beta...226!!!!

2008-01-03T13:34:00.000-05:00

The last beta was 56, and that was 72 hours ago! So obviously we're rising nicely. Maybe Frank and I will actually be able to get some sleep tonight.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers...they're working! Keep 'em coming!

Next step - more bloodwork and FIRST ULTRASOUND on Monday!!

This part is the WORST.

2008-01-02T11:07:00.001-05:00

The waiting. The analyzing every little pain, flutter, wave of nausea, dizzy spell...or lack thereof. It's torture...there's no other way to describe it.

I decided to call my RE and ask that my 3rd beta be tomorrow, instead of waiting until Monday (which is when my first ultrasound is scheduled for). After my last FET, we waited the week between 2nd and 3rd betas, only to find that it dropped all the way down to a negative during that time.

I can't help but think it's going to happen again. I'd rather know sooner if things aren't going well.

Please keep us in your prayers, as I know many of you already are. We need this little bean to stick around.

Could it be a Christmas miracle?

2007-12-31T12:00:00.000-05:00

I went in for my second beta today. RE's like to see your beta number double every 48-72 hours in order for the pregnancy to be considered healthy and viable.

Well, mine almost tripled...in a little less than 48 hours. It's up to 56. Our reaction? Laughter. Honestly, what else could we possibly do when we get news like that?

We are being VERY cautiously optimistic...you all know what we've been through, especially since June...so we are fully aware that this can easily take a nasty turn. But for now, I am pregnant, AGAIN, and we are happy as can be.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has been praying and pulling for us...please continue...it seems like it's working :)

Now I'm off to take a nap...Dad was back in the hospital again last night (he's out now, but he really has me worried) and I am in desperate need of some zzzzz's.

Another cruel joke on me

2007-12-29T13:51:00.000-05:00

First beta = 21.

For those of you unaware of what that means, let me put it to you this way...I AM pregnant, but the chance of this working out is less than slim to none.

WHY couldn't it just be a negative number (less than 5) so they could tell me to go off the meds so I could get my period? WHY must I be tortured like this?

I'm out of tears. Seriously, I think I used them all up between yesterday and today. I'd be shocked if I had more in me. My eyes and face are beyond swollen.

So now, instead of getting loaded like I was hoping I'd be able to do this weekend, I have to continue my drugs, and go in for the second beta on Monday.

The evil 2007 gods are really stretching this out until the LAST POSSIBLE DAY. What a way to ring in the new year, huh...

Well, I can now say that

2007-12-28T19:08:00.000-05:00

2007 has officially been the worst year of my life.

Frank and I took a few days and went down to Borgata...an easy escape from reality, and sadly, the closest thing we've had to a vacation in a WHILE, thanks to all this IF crap. We had a nice time, and just got back a little while ago. Frank really wanted me to test since I was upset about getting a negative result on Wednesday (he of course felt it was early, the positive thinker that he is)...

So, I tested again. BFN. No denying those two words staring you in the face on a digital HPT.

And now, I have to start heating up the oil for my shot, and we still have to get up early in the morning and drive to Morristown for our beta, so that we can get the official word from the RE. Yeah, that all seems pretty fair.

Merry fucking Christmas and Happy New Year to us.

Pregnant until proven otherwise

2007-12-22T18:46:00.001-05:00

This is one of our favorite statements (by 'our' I mean the girls in my 'support group'...who have become wonderful friends)...and it's true. I mean, they did transfer 3 embryos directly into my uterus two days ago, right? That certainly doesn't make me NOT pregnant. At least not yet...

The progesterone most definitely makes you FEEL pregnant, that's for sure. This is my 3rd IVF cycle and once again I've got the typical side effects...the awful night sweats, peeing 3+ times in the middle of the night, the sore boobs, the awful heartburn and acid reflux...we were at my Nana's today and I was waiting to see which came first...a fainting spell or a big bunch of puke all over my shoes.

Combine that with the 'no smoking, drinking, caffeine, sex and heavy lifting' and I'd say, once again...pregnant...until proven otherwise.

Yeah, I know...it's good practice. Well quite honestly, I've had enough practice. I'll throw up 5 times a day if it means I'll finally have a successful and healthy pregnancy. Bring it on.

Oh and for those of you thinking, you just had your transfer two days ago...isn't that too soon to have any symptoms? Well, as I said, these are mainly from the progesterone (the high dose of estrogen probably adds to it too)...but to clarify, today I am 2dp7dt (for the infertility ignorant, that means, 2 days past 7 day transfer...our embryos were 7 days old when they were frozen).

That makes 9 dpo. (days past ovulation) Last time I tested at 12dpo and got a BFP. Which means, I could test on Christmas Day. Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm putting my positive thinking out there for everyone to see. Pregnant until proven otherwise. That's me...for now.

FET #2 is complete.

2007-12-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

Well, we're home...after a hectic and exciting morning! When my phone rang a little before 9am and I saw my RE's number on the caller ID I thought, OH NO, this is NOT good news. They usually don't call until after 11 (transfers are usually done in the afternoon)...so I thought they were going to say that the frozen embryos didn't survive the thaw...

Sure enough, it was a call FULL of good news. They wanted me to start drinking my water at 10, be there by 10:30 and ready for an 11am transfer. AND THEN the nurse tells me that my primary doctor, who we absolutely LOVE, decided to make a special trip into the office just to do OUR transfer. We were so thrilled.

Now for the best news...ALL 3 EMBRYOS THAWED!!! That's 7 out of 7 that survived the thaw for us...WELL ABOVE the odds. We were SO happy and relieved...and my doctor gave us the picture and said they all look TERRIFIC...exactly the way they should look. Hopefully now they're all looking for a warm place to settle in :)

The transfer was a smooth one...the dr. felt it went very well...so now, we sit and WAIT. We both feel really good about this...we are really hoping the third time's a charm.

So now I am on my couch and will not be moving for a WHILE. Feel free to come and visit...I could use the company :) And no matter where you are...talk to these little ones about STICKING AROUND...all of your thoughts and prayers have worked so far and we really, really appreciate it.

Stressed out much?

2007-12-18T09:01:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, Frank was cleaning off and warming up my car, then he hopped in his truck to go to Shoprite. He called me while he was out to see what I wanted for lunch, and I asked him where my car key was...he said it was in his truck.

Yesterday I went looking for my key and couldn't find it. I used my spare one and when I called him asking about the key, he said, 'oh, I put it in the nook (it's an area in our hallway where the keys go)...or maybe it's still in my truck. I don't know, I'll check later'. I had checked the nook and it wasn't there...

So, he gets home last night and looks in his truck. No key. He checks his
jacket he was wearing on Sunday...still no key. He starts ripping the
house apart, and now he's getting annoyed. Meanwhile, I'm mad because I'm thinking he dropped the key at Shoprite...how irresponsible can he be...how much is the key going to cost to replace (they're expensive!), etc, etc...

We go to bed not exactly happy with each other. LOL.

He always leaves before me in the morning...so today, as I was starting to pull out of the driveway, I realize I left my laptop inside. As I head toward the house I fall...HARD...on the ice. I determine that I'm still in one piece and start getting up...look down the driveway...and low and behold, I see my key. Right there, on the driveway (it must have been under my car). I couldn't help but chuckle, just a little bit...and then proceeded to drag my sore body back into the house for my laptop.

So I called him on the way into work and we both got a good laugh out of it, even though i'm in MAJOR pain. Everything from my head to my fingers to my ass to my leg to my foot (all on my left side) is KILLING me.

At least it didn't happen AFTER I got impregnated this week.

A friend of mine, who coincidentally got engaged on the same exact day as us 3 years ago, wished me a 'Happy Engagement Anniversary' this morning. I then realize...it was yesterday. Yeah, I know, it's not a big deal...but Frank and I have only been together for slightly longer than that, and NEVER forget landmark dates in our relationship.

I guess my point is, the stress has really gotten to us...I mean, who goes to bed angry with each other over a missing car key? We shouldn't be going to bed angry about ANYTHING.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...WE NEED A VACATION. And, we need for it to be 2008. That, or 2007 has to end on a GREAT note.

Sleeping (and dreaming) like a baby...

2007-12-17T09:45:00.000-05:00

Wow. I'm like a new person today. Last night was the best sleep I've had in a LONG time. I think part of it might be because my headaches have decreased a good amount...or maybe it's because there's now a light at the end of the tunnel with this cycle...I'm not sure. No matter what the reason, I'll take it!

It's just a matter of time though before I'm up twice a night to pee, thanks to the PIO shots, which I started on Saturday. (yeah, if you read my blog, you're gonna get all the dirty details. LOL.) My boobs have already started getting a little sore, which is another side effect. Well, at least I know the drugs are working...and FAST!

So, onto my fantastic dream last night...we were hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother and sister-in-law, and Grandma...who was booking a cruise for us...for September. She was sure we'd all want the all-you-can-drink option, but she wanted to double check. She was so excited about it and of course, thrilled to make her grandchildren happy.

There's a lot of meaning behind this dream...I'm not sure what all of it is, but we'd frequently travel with our grandparents as kids and adults, to many different places, domestic and international...as kids, spend summers with them at their bungalow in Seaside Park (and Grandma was always 'generous' with the occasional whiskey sour or other libation for us)...there are SO many memories from so many different places. A lot of our conversation in the dream was right along the lines of what we'd plan in real life.

This is the first dream I've had about her since she died, almost 10 months ago. It's nice to know she's still with us :) Her voice is still perfectly recalled in my head...whether it's while I'm thinking of her during the day (which I do a LOT) or dreaming of her at night.

I'm wondering why she'd want to book the cruise for September though...since, if this cycle works, my EDD will be September 4th. Hmmm. Come on Grandma...give me another sign!

We are ON!

2007-12-14T21:48:00.000-05:00

My FET has been scheduled for Thursday the 20th. Providing all goes well between now and then, I will be impregnated in less than a week! We're almost there...

Of course that means the dreaded PIO shots start again...tomorrow, to be exact...good times. My butt's still sore from them during my last cycle. Sigh. No more belly shots though...tonight was my last one. Hopefully my last one FOREVER.

I think this means my beta will be on New Year's Eve...hmmm...is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm guessing it'll either be a LOT of champagne that night, or passing out infront of the TV at around 10.

No matter what, I couldn't be happier that this cycle is ALMOST OVER. Thanks for hanging in there with me every step of the way...just hang in there for 5 more days, please :)

T minus one week and counting...

2007-12-13T16:03:00.000-05:00

We're closing in on this FET cycle. My new slogan = 3rd time is a charm!

As long as all goes well with the rest of my monitoring, we should be in for transfer a week from today or tomorrow. We had a bit of a scare this week with my levels and my uterine lining, but things seem to be okay and hopefully the drugs (and slight change in protocol) will continue to do their job.

I still feel like crap and my head continues to pound like a drum...add to that my newfound dizzy spells (likely from the increase in estrace) and I'm a joy right about now. I think it's so great that people are asking how I'm feeling, but quite honestly, I'm sick of saying, "shitty, thanks!". LOL.

Well, I'm not going to lie! Plus if you actually SAW me, you'd have the answer to your question. I'm a lovely sight right about now...it's fun looking in the mirror these days.

How Frank hasn't moved out of the house by now is beyond me.

Parents are right...life really is unfair.

2007-12-10T12:18:00.000-05:00

Did your parents and grandparents like to say that a lot too? "Missy, no one ever said life was fair". You just never really understood it as a kid...probably because as a kid, you rarely have REAL problems.

More and more, throughout my adult life, I agree with this statement. I'm not just talking about what's going on with me...there are many people in my life right now who are going through so much pain.

REAL PAIN. Not the crap that makes some people CONSTANTLY complain (you know these people)...because they locked themselves out of the house...or because they're having a bad hair day...or because they're annoyed that their coworker eats a stinky lunch at his desk. The story changes every day...it's always something.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE. I have no tolerance for these idiots (again, you know these people...everyone does).

I'm tired of bad things happening to good people. I really am.

A friend in need

2007-12-08T09:15:00.001-05:00

Some of you know my friend Megan...or, you may not know her but are familiar with her story...well, yesterday it took a pretty bad turn. Here is the link to her blog, if you'd like to read about it (and her entire story, if you don't know it):

Multiple Baby Pileup

I have met Jack, Katie and Charlotte...not only are they absolutely adorable, but they are fighters, through and through. Just like their parents.

Megan and I have known each other since we were engaged and got married on the same day. We both thought it was funny that not only are we the same age, but our husbands are too (several years younger than we are). Our biggest problems in life went from choosing bridesmaid dresses and first dance songs, to realizing that we couldn't get pregnant on our own.

Fortunately, Megan's first IVF cycle worked...and after a relatively easy, unremarkable pregnancy, she and PJ now have much more serious issues to deal with.

If there is any way you'd like to help, please let me know. I am accepting donations for food, diapers, detergent, and other things that I know Megan and her family need, during this very trying and hectic time.

Also, if you'd like to make a donation via Paypal, please do so to Lisa at lrochman@att.net ...let her know your name and that you were directed to her from my blog. EVERY LITTLE BIT makes a difference...thousands of dollars and many items have already been donated.

Most importantly, please keep this family in your prayers. Megan has told me MANY times that praying for them is really what matters most...they can use all the help from above that they can get.

I think my body is sending me a message...

2007-12-07T08:49:00.000-05:00

...and it's pretty straight forward.

ENOUGH.

My headaches are worse than ever. My belly is bruising, which has never happened before. I'm exhausted. I look AWFUL. My face looks like a road map. My arm veins are hard...too hard to draw blood from. My emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I could go on and on...overall I feel like absolute CRAP and I'm tired of it, quite frankly.

If it weren't cooperating, I'd be much more concerned...but I just came back from another ultrasound and everything is "progressing quite nicely". Bloodwork results come later today. If they're ok, my estrace will be increased and if I remember correctly, the lupron will stop? I don't know, maybe it's too soon for that.

This is the first cycle that I don't have the calendar they give you on my fridge. I guess that's why I'm a little confused about what drugs start and stop when, but they always call to remind you anyway. I honestly think I'm just in denial about this cycle working...I have been from the beginning. I'm viewing it as a "filler"...something to do before we move to the new PGD testing in Jan/Feb.

Frank, on the other hand, KNOWS that "this is it". His way of thinking is the opposite...because I've been forgetting my meds more easily, because it's a cycle we hadn't planned from the beginning, etc...means that it'll happen this time. As usual, he's WAY more positive than I am!

I do hope he's right though. And I'm pretty sure my body is hoping the same thing.

Thank god for gift bags

2007-12-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

I HATE wrapping gifts. Hate hate hate it. Probably because I suck at it :)

Even though this was supposed to be a "light" Christmas, the boxes have taken over our house. There are more gifts than I remember buying. That's the thing about online shopping...it's so damn convenient, open 24 hours, available all the time...I can't keep track of all my purchases.

And unfortunately, I'm not done yet. Only a few more, but still...I want to get this finished. My deadline of having all things holiday related completed by December 15 is quickly approaching.

So I started wrapping, um, bagging gifts today. And I realized a few things:

1- There are MANY gifts that are too tall to sit under our tree. Our short, stubby tree. Uber annoying.

2- I miss Grandma so much.

3- I am going to have to wrap at least SOME of the kids' gifts the traditional way. They need to be able to tear open their presents. This I understand.

4- I hope and pray MORE NOW THAN EVER that this is the last holiday season we are childless. I don't know if I can handle another year of what we've been through...I really don't.

Ok, who wants to come over and help me wrap? I'll pay you back with food and wine. Can't beat that! :)

Cruising along...and counting down the days...

2007-12-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

Today was Day 3 monitoring...my bloodwork is fine and the ultrasound went well...so tonight I start taking my estrace (estrogen pills) and I can cut my lupron shot dosage in half. I am PRAYING that this will help with my headaches...they've been pretty bad :(

I also got a little Christmas bonus at the RE this morning. I went to pay my copay and the receptionist (who I know very well, which makes sense after all this time) said, "no copay for you". I was like, "huh"?

She proceeded to tell me that "they said" not to charge me anymore for each visit this cycle...and that if I get a positive pregnancy test at the end, we'll deal with it at that time.

I didn't want to ask too many questions since there were two other people standing there, so I put away my money, said "well, Merry Christmas to me!", thanked her and got my coat. Think they read my blog entry about how we're being sucked dry by all of this? :)

Anyway, the FET is always scheduled approximately 2 1/2 weeks after Day 3...soooo, the countdown begins...

It's December, soooo...

2007-12-01T10:37:00.000-05:00

...the cookie baking has begun! I always make a bunch of different batches of cookies each year. I have several new kinds this season...my list has about 10 different cookies. I think I picked some good ones...we'll see how they turn out.

I'm starting earlier than usual because my FET will be sometime around the 20th, 21st, 22nd (it's hard to know exactly until right around that time) and afterwards I'm not doing much of ANYTHING, for several days. Post-transfer/implantation is probably the only time during IF when all those people who've been telling you to "relax" are right :)

I'd post pics but I'm not actually baking them right now...I'm just making them and freezing the dough.

Decorating officially begins now too. Frank and I are going to get our tree this afternoon...then our nieces are coming over and staying for a sleepover. Hopefully they'll be interested in helping out with trimming the tree, but usually when they come here they run right upstairs to their 'hideaway' (otherwise known as our attic/4th bedroom, which we completely gutted and renovated) and disappear for a while. Cute.

Everyone moving along with their holiday shopping? I'm about 90% finished. Jealous? :) It's so liberating to not have to worry about it as the holidays get closer...one less thing to stress about. Online shopping RULES. The UPS man and I are best buds!

Frank and I are keeping it simple with each other this year. All we're wishing for is a BFP and a healthy pregnancy. Although, I did tell him I'll be picking out a nice piece of jewelry for my birthday :)

Let's add it up, shall we?

2007-11-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

I have to start by saying that Frank and I are VERY thankful that we have insurance coverage for IF, even if it's only temporary. Also, we don't like to make the financial aspect a big issue, since this is a HUGE goal for us and we'll do just about anything to achieve it.

BUT, I need to vent. Isn't that what this blog is for? :)

This post started because I was thinking about how I have to stop at the pharmacy on my way home and pick up $85 worth of prescriptions. And that's only for TWO of my meds...two out of who-knows-how-many.

The insurance coverage, by the way, is my COBRA plan...which costs us almost $500 a month. Yes, I'm covered under Frank's insurance, but it covers practically NOTHING regarding IF. And as I've mentioned here before, it expires in June. Oh, and copays on my plan are $30. When you're going to the doctor anywhere from 2-7 times a week, that adds up.

Even before we started seeing an RE, the amount of money spent on ovulation kits, tests, and monitors...pregnancy tests (seems like I've taken a MILLION of these)...and all the other 'accessories' needed when you're in that limbo stage (Preseed, etc)...I have no idea what the total cost is, but no matter what it is, it was all money pretty much thrown out the window.

Also, since Frank isn't covered under my insurance, we have to pay out of pocket for any of his procedures (sperm anaylses, etc.). Again, I have no idea what the tally on that is.

Oh and my acupuncturist, who I truly adore, and who I can't quit because she's helped me get pregnant twice...2 times a week at $75 a pop. Nope, she's not covered under insurance either.

No coverage for embryo freezing and everything associated with that either (which you pay for an entire year, no matter how long they're stored)...and let's not even get started on what the bill for our PGD testing will be, IF (and again, I say it in the most positive way) this FET cycle doesn't work.

And if you think my RE is the only doctor I see, think again. There are others who take up my precious time by poking and prodding me and figuring out why I'm broken. They cost money too.

Wow, didn't I start this post by saying the financial aspect of IF wasn't a big deal for us? LOL. Maybe I was wrong...just a LITTLE wrong.

It ain't stopping us though. At least not yet.

SIDE NOTE: Dad's out of the hospital. He's not feeling better, and they can't figure out WTF is going on. But, at least his levels are somewhat back to normal and he's home, back on his couch. Thanks to those who sent their well wishes.

Ah yes, the ol' lupron headaches...

2007-11-27T15:09:00.000-05:00

It wasn't that long ago that I was doing this same exact protocol (BCP, lupron, estrace)...how could I have forgotten about these side effects already?

It's only the 4th day of lupron and my head is POUNDING. When I asked my RE about it the last time, he said it's because the body is deprived of estrogen...and once I start taking the estrace it should be better.

Too bad that's a week away.

I'll spare you all my "none of this is fair" speech, since I don't really have the energy to type it out...but beware of me tomorrow! :)

2 years down

2007-11-26T10:15:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was our two year anniversary. Even though we've been through so much in the past two years, it actually has gone by pretty fast. This is what happens as you get older, right? The whole time flies thing? Crazy.

We vowed to go away for our anniversary each year but many factors got in the way this year (last year we went to Mexico and had a great time), so we ended up going into the city for dinner and then saw Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. It was so much fun...and we weren't even the youngest people there :)

We're hoping that our next anniversary will be just as nice, and will include another member of the family, either live or in utero.

Never a dull moment

2007-11-24T12:35:00.001-05:00

My dad is in the hospital. I won't get into too many details, but it's never smooth sailing when he gets sick, given all his health issues. It took a lot of kicking and screaming for my mom to get him there (even though he was in a lot of pain), but he's pretty content since he's in a private room with a flat screen HDTV.

Hopefully he'll be out in about a week. And no, we don't know what's wrong with him yet...we're waiting for more test results.

As for me - I start my lupron tonight. Got my cooler packed since we'll be going to the hospital then to a friend's 40th birthday party. As crazy as this sounds, I LOVE the lupron shots, for a few reasons...it's one step closer to transfer, and it makes me feel really productive about my treatment. There's a big difference between injecting drugs in your belly and popping them in your mouth, in my opinion.

Yeah, I'm nuts :)

Speaking of which, my sister and nieces slept over last night, and my sister and I were in the bathroom brushing our teeth. She saw me take all my pills out and couldn't believe how many I take before bed. And to me, it's yet another thing that doesn't even make me blink twice. It's amazing how all of this becomes completely NORMAL after a while.

Or should I say, scary...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T09:55:00.000-05:00

It feels good to FINALLY be done with all my baking! Although I must say, it's very therapeutic for me. Hell, who am I kidding...I love doing it :)

Before we start our long, hectic day with our families, I thought I'd list a few things I'm very thankful for this year.

1- My husband. Yeah, that handsome guy you see on the right side of the page. He is the best thing that's EVER happened to me...hands down. I'm not sure where I'd be right now if I hadn't met him 3 years ago.

2- My family and friends...many of whom are both. They're all great people. Well, almost all of them ;)

3- Modern medicine. Without it, Frank and I would have ZERO chance of having our miracle baby someday.

4- Our daily lives, in general...our careers, our home, being financially comfortable, living so close to the greatest city in the world, always doing fun and new and exciting things...you get the picture. I know not everyone has these luxuries, and even though we've worked our butts off for many years to get where we are, we're very thankful for it.

I hope all of you have plenty to be thankful for too. Enjoy your turkey!

Good news is always welcome

2007-11-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

We got the results from my RPL (recurring pregnancy loss) panel yesterday...all the bloodwork came back negative. Which pretty much confirms what we already knew...there is absolutely no reason why I'm miscarrying, except for the fact that my eggs SUCK.

I love my husband more than life itself...I just wish I'd met him a few years earlier!

Oh well. Off to bake some pies...

The upside to being in limbo...

2007-11-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

You can drink. lol.

I've been craving sangria for a while now, but wasn't able to drink for a few months. A few friends were going to take me into Newark last weekend (the old "drowning sorrows" night out), but I came down with a nasty cold :(

So last night, at around 9pm, we peeled ourselves off the couch after watching American Gangster (bootleg copy, and a good one too! I highly recommend seeing the movie) and headed to Iberia. Frank indulged in one glass, and I gladly downed the rest of the pitcher. A FULL pitcher. And it was damn good.

Now I've been up since 8am getting stuff done around the house, and preparing dinner for some family coming over. You can bet a nice fat glass of cabernet will be part of my meal. My shots start up again next week, so I'm partaking in as much as I can until then.

Oh, and any ideas you may have for me so the next month FLIES by...please add in the comments section. My Christmas shopping is halfway done, my house is clean, I'm caught up on all my Tivo, I'm booked solid for all of Thanksgiving weekend (which is also our second anniversary!)...but still, the third week of December can't come fast enough. I just want this cycle done and over with.

Just call me Aunt Miss...

2007-11-15T20:44:00.000-05:00

That's what these little rugrats call me! Well, Petey doesn't call me anything yet, but he'll be yelling "Tia!" in no time, I'm sure...

Maddie, Nina and Petey. Three big reasons why I keep the faith. Oh, and Uncle Frank loves them lots too.

Doesn't the Big Man understand that these kids need more cousins??

"...always look on the briiiight side of life..."

2007-11-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

Who sings that stupid song anyway?

I'm trying. I really am. It's just so damn HARD. Especially when you're constantly surrounded with reminders.

Like, for instance, three shows that I watch (um, yeah, I guess I watch a little too much TV...you should see our Tivo season pass list) had characters who had miscarriages...ALL LAST WEEK. Same week as me. I haven't cried that hard infront of the TV since...well, I guess since the week before that (everything makes me cry these days). But you know what I mean.

Let's not even get into the reminders that occur on a daily basis everywhere I go. Babies and pregnant women are EVERYWHERE. And even when they're not around, people are talking about them...who's pregnant, who just had a baby, how wonderful is my baby, my baby is SO smart and SO cute, my baby went pee pee on the potty...

Plus, our house could be mistaken for a crack den...we've got more needles, syringes and drugs than I know what to do with.

There's no escaping. And speaking of escaping, trying to book a vacation has become virtually impossible. WE NEED ONE....badly. Ugh.

OK, I feel a little better.

Thanks to all of you who have supported us during this struggle (you know who you are). Your kind words and listening ears (and knowing not to say "just relax, it'll happen" or "drink a lot of wine") have been very helpful with easing the pain a bit.

And yes, I still like hearing about your kids...I'd just prefer some adult conversation to go along with it :)

I'm slowly making my way to the bright side...

How it all began...

2007-11-13T16:36:00.001-05:00

I've been toying around with the idea of starting a blog for a while. Why? Because I've gotten to the point where I need to just GET THIS ALL OUT. I started keeping journals on my 13th birthday, and for some reason I stopped writing about 6 or 7 years ago. I always felt better when I got my thoughts down on paper...so now it's time to start again.

Frank and I were married on November 25, 2005. We met on match.com. Frank was very persistent and tried making a date with me for a whole month before I finally agreed to meet him. You know...I was 'busy'...dating a few other losers, um, guys...I didn't have time for someone who actually showed a huge interest in getting to know me. Wake up Meliss!

So off we went to brunch on September 25, 2004. And to make a long story short, that's how our wonderful (and QUICK!) courtship started. We moved in together a month later, and got engaged on December 17, just 11 weeks later. And no, not one person thought we were crazy. Everyone knew, just like we did, that this was RIGHT. Finally, I met "the one"! :)

We knew from the beginning that we wanted to have children IMMEDIATELY. Why? Well, there are a few reasons...

1- We both love kids...and always knew we wanted to be parents
2- I've always had issues with my cycles...so we kinda knew from the get-go that TTC (trying to conceive) would be a little tough
3- I was 36 and Frank was 32 when we got married. Time wasn't exactly on our side, from a biological clock standpoint, especially if we want to have 2 kids.

About 6 months before we got married, I bought the CBEFM monitor and started tracking my ovulation, in order to get to know my body better (starting taking my prenatals too...just incase!). Well, I got to know it better alright...I began to realize that I didn't ovulate all that much. Hmmm.

We figured we'd take a shot at it (literally) and not be careful the month before we got married. Nada. Ok, fine...we've got the honeymoon. Nope. Ok, no problem, we've got time to deal with this...

But first, we have to buy a house so we have a place to put all these kids we're going to have!!! Yeah, GREAT IDEA!!! And inbetween all the chaos of househunting, saving money, realizing we couldn't afford to live where we wanted to, FINALLY finding a house we like, making an offer, making a counter-offer, closing, gutting and renovating half the house, packing, and moving (oh, and furnishing)...we'll keep trying. Great.

Or, maybe not.

Soooo, we figure it's time for professional intervention. Onto the OBGYN, who prescribes clomid and prometrium for 6 months. With NO monitoring. What did I know? I was too busy trying to figure out why I felt like I was going through menopause...holy hot flashes.

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Finally, a referral to an RE (that's a Reproductive Endocrinologist, for those of you who are challenged in the infertility area)...what's that you say, you can't see me for TWO MONTHS? Don't you realize we've already been TTC for over a year now? Sorry honey, get in line...believe it or not, you're NOT alone. REALLY?

So, we wait...and while we wait, I lose my job, Frank begins what turns into a very long furlough, and my grandmother passes away. Happy 2007.

Our journey with the RE began in February of this year and this is how it's gone down...

Feb - first appt. with RE. referred to an endocrinologist after b/w and ultrasound tests are administered. diagnosed with PCOS, hypothyroidism, advanced maternal age, and unexplained infertility. Frank's boys are fine.

March - saline sonogram detects fibroids in my uterus (not detected during my HSG in December)...surgery is scheduled for mid-March (hysteroscopy). then we wait until I'm healed before beginning IVF cycle.

April - IVF cycle begins. protocol includes BCP (birth control pill), lupron, gonal F, ovidrel, and PIO (progesterone in oil). I might be forgetting something...there were just way too many needles and pills to count.

May - egg retrieval goes well, even though I'm bloated to the bejesus. 26 eggs retrieved, 21 fertilized (ICSI), 15 make it to day 3, which is when the RE calls and says, come in for your transfer. we transferred 4 embryos. 7 of the remaining 11 made it to day seven, and were frozen.

less than 2 weeks later was the first time I ever saw the word "pregnant" without the word NOT infront of it. also the first time I saw 2 lines (I took MANY MANY tests, LOL). we are ecstatic. the first few betas go well, until...

June - gestational sac and yolk sac are identified, but there is no fetal pole. missed miscarriage at 7 weeks. D&C scheduled for June 19th, the day after Frank's birthday.

pathology tells us the baby had Trisomy 16...and it was a boy.

more waiting...and waiting...how long does it take for my body to realize I am NOT pregnant anymore?

August - given the go ahead to begin cycling. we decide on a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) and will transfer 4 of the 7 frozen embryos. UNTIL, saline sonogram detects something "leftover" in my uterus.

Sept 11 - hysteroscopy/D&C scheduled. pathology detects no fetal matter...it was another fibroid. one week later, the RE gives us the go-ahead to start our FET cycle. protocol is BCP, lupron, and estrace...followed by PIO.

October 17 - all 4 embryos survive the thaw (which is almost unheard of) and look great. what could be better? we go in for the FET and things seem so promising...

one week later...of course I'm going to test, who waits for the beta? sure enough, I'm pregnant, again. YIPPEE!!

one week later...2nd beta indicates slow growth. no more bloodwork...scheduled to come in for an ultrasound a week later to see what's going on.

and, one week later...my Dr. detects a sac which is great news! ok, some relief! until my beta comes back later that day...and it's NEGATIVE. early miscarriage at 5 weeks 1 day.

Which brings us to today...the day after I took my first birth control pill for our next FET cycle. Yep, call us masochists, but we're trying again, and even making sure we get it squeezed in before this miserable year is over. Why, you ask?

1- um, hello, haven't you been paying attention? I'm old in the eyes of fertility. 39 will be here in less than 3 months. I can still hear the clock...
2- the other fun factor that is dealt with in this crazy world of IF...the insurance factor. my coverage is through my COBRA policy, and guess what? COBRA doesn't last forever. matter of fact, mine ends in June 2008.

IF, and I do repeat, in my most positive voice, IF this FET cycle doesn't work, we will be candidates for a new procedure coming out in Jan/Feb which is the most thorough embryonic testing out there. That'll be sure to give us the answers we need regarding my ancient eggs.

So there you have it...if you read this far I commend you for your patience and your bravery! I feel better already...all it took was typing out all this craziness we've been through in the past two years.

The most ironic thing of all of this (and I'll end on this note, I promise)...

When Frank and I were engaged, we talked about how we sometimes wished we'd have more time 'as a couple'...since we dated for such a short period of time, and agreed to TTC immediately, we realized our time alone, without children, would be limited. But, we were so excited to start a family, and knew it would bring us just as much happiness...or MORE...even if we couldn't drop everything and go away on vacation, or sleep late, or spend money frivolously, or go to AC on a moment's notice...

Guess who got their wish.